Sunday rant
Apr. 5th, 2009 08:15 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
floatingleafIt's snowing outside. Seriously. Light, wet snow that melts as soon as it touches the ground, but still... It's April, for heaven's sake. Cut it out already, Winter, and kindly get lost. We've had more than enough, thank you very much. *feels indignant*
I've been sooooo lazy today. I somehow never got dressed, because by the time I made it out of my 'morning' bath, it was already late afternoon, so I figured by then there was no point. I had thought I might invite a friend over for a movie or something... but then I would have to get dressed, wouldn't I?... So I didn't. It just seemed like too much effort. Pathetic, isn't it?... But there are days (increasingly frequent, I'm afraid) when making any sort of human contact - even picking up the phone - seems to require more energy than I can muster. It's not that I don't want to see anyone - it's just that I don't feel up to it somehow. It's hard to explain... it's one of those little things about me that most extrovert or socially active people could never understand. There are days when my brain just settles into the silence of my empty apartment, and written word seems the only way I can possibly communicate with the outside world. Someone else's call might shake me out of it - but I will not be the one to break the silence. And because I hardly ever call people, I suppose at some point they might entirely stop calling me as well. Which has almost happened already, btw.
In other exciting news, I just don't see a way out of my current financial predicament. I mean, I am sort of making ends meet, but barely, and I don't see how that will ever change. Even if I do get the standard 2% salary raise next year (the one that was cancelled for this year, due to the shitty economic situation), it will barely cover the unavoidable increases in rent or utility bills. Or NOT cover them, more likely. I mean, 2% of my salary is less than $20 per paycheck. Not even worth mentioning, is it? So it would be extremely naive to expect that things will get better once this unlucky year is over. They might, in fact, get worse. I might still lose the meager remnants of my savings, without ever spending a penny on anything outside the basic grocery list. *sigh*
Yeah, I know. Two options. Finding a cheaper place to live (unlikely, unless I go back to sharing with other people, which makes me cringe) - or a better paying job (unlikely for someone with such strong antisocial tendencies, especially in a highly competitive job market - but not impossible, I guess, if I tried hard enough). Except right now both my apartment and my job are among the things I don't WANT to change, for a number of reasons. Even though I'm probably being stupid holding on to both. But... I LOVE this place. It's the perfect quiet refuge I've always wanted... and I just hate the thought of another move so soon. And my current job is the first one where I actually have a chance of making it past 2,5 years (my record so far, when it comes to staying with one employer... lol). Plus, I HATE employment searches, resumes, interviews - the whole hoolabaloo. It's emotionally draining and disgusting and I don't want to deal with it unless I'm forced to. Yes, call me a coward and a wimp. I just don't feel too well suited to live in a modern society. It's all a scam anyway. In a real, healthy world, the problems I'm dealing with on a daily basis wouldn't even exist (as shown very convincingly in Zeitgeist). Which is a strange thought... and not very helpful at the moment, I'm afraid.:|
Eh. Didn't mean to whinge so much, but I let myself ramble freely and this is what came out. Repetitive, I know. Will try to keep quiet until I have something ELSE to say. Something positive, preferably. If that happens anytime soon...
I've been sooooo lazy today. I somehow never got dressed, because by the time I made it out of my 'morning' bath, it was already late afternoon, so I figured by then there was no point. I had thought I might invite a friend over for a movie or something... but then I would have to get dressed, wouldn't I?... So I didn't. It just seemed like too much effort. Pathetic, isn't it?... But there are days (increasingly frequent, I'm afraid) when making any sort of human contact - even picking up the phone - seems to require more energy than I can muster. It's not that I don't want to see anyone - it's just that I don't feel up to it somehow. It's hard to explain... it's one of those little things about me that most extrovert or socially active people could never understand. There are days when my brain just settles into the silence of my empty apartment, and written word seems the only way I can possibly communicate with the outside world. Someone else's call might shake me out of it - but I will not be the one to break the silence. And because I hardly ever call people, I suppose at some point they might entirely stop calling me as well. Which has almost happened already, btw.
In other exciting news, I just don't see a way out of my current financial predicament. I mean, I am sort of making ends meet, but barely, and I don't see how that will ever change. Even if I do get the standard 2% salary raise next year (the one that was cancelled for this year, due to the shitty economic situation), it will barely cover the unavoidable increases in rent or utility bills. Or NOT cover them, more likely. I mean, 2% of my salary is less than $20 per paycheck. Not even worth mentioning, is it? So it would be extremely naive to expect that things will get better once this unlucky year is over. They might, in fact, get worse. I might still lose the meager remnants of my savings, without ever spending a penny on anything outside the basic grocery list. *sigh*
Yeah, I know. Two options. Finding a cheaper place to live (unlikely, unless I go back to sharing with other people, which makes me cringe) - or a better paying job (unlikely for someone with such strong antisocial tendencies, especially in a highly competitive job market - but not impossible, I guess, if I tried hard enough). Except right now both my apartment and my job are among the things I don't WANT to change, for a number of reasons. Even though I'm probably being stupid holding on to both. But... I LOVE this place. It's the perfect quiet refuge I've always wanted... and I just hate the thought of another move so soon. And my current job is the first one where I actually have a chance of making it past 2,5 years (my record so far, when it comes to staying with one employer... lol). Plus, I HATE employment searches, resumes, interviews - the whole hoolabaloo. It's emotionally draining and disgusting and I don't want to deal with it unless I'm forced to. Yes, call me a coward and a wimp. I just don't feel too well suited to live in a modern society. It's all a scam anyway. In a real, healthy world, the problems I'm dealing with on a daily basis wouldn't even exist (as shown very convincingly in Zeitgeist). Which is a strange thought... and not very helpful at the moment, I'm afraid.:|
Eh. Didn't mean to whinge so much, but I let myself ramble freely and this is what came out. Repetitive, I know. Will try to keep quiet until I have something ELSE to say. Something positive, preferably. If that happens anytime soon...
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
(no subject)
Date: 2009-04-06 07:20 am (UTC)Occasionally on my days off I realise that I haven't had any contact with anyone all day and I didn't even notice. I mean, I do LJ or emails, but contact with a flesh and blood human being? No. And when I realise that I didn't notice, that's when I get freaked out.
it's one of those little things about me that most extrovert or socially active people could never understand
YES. I echo that sentiment completely.
As for finances...I just don't know what to do. I worked out my annual salary the other day and I cringed. My parents help me out because they're helping my sister through university and I never went and they like to be fair and even with the financial aid. And without their help, I would be living with them again.
I don't know what to suggest. I think if you love the apartment, you should hold on to it for as long as you can, and hey, maybe things will improve. And I'm not the best one to give advice because I stayed in a job I hated and that made me sick with stress for 7 years because I thought that job searching would be more stressful. I hate job searching and interviews and ugh.
I just don't feel too well suited to live in a modern society
This is exactly how I feel. I feel like I have no idea how I'm meant to even begin. I'm 27 later this year and I feel like I'm not together enough to be 27. I just. I have no clue.
You're not whinging. And it's your LJ, so you should talk about what's on your mind. If not here, then where? I'm just sorry I can't help. *hugs*
(no subject)
Date: 2009-04-07 03:10 am (UTC)Hah. I have a feeling I wouldn't notice for at least a week or so.:P
Looks like we really have a LOT in common. *headshake* My parents helped me massively too - I was pretty much still living off them when I was 33. *hangs head in shame* Not because I wanted to, but because I couldn't seem to be able to find a job that would support me in my home country, and had to start over as an immigrant (of course, my parents paid all the bureaucratic expenses associated with that as well). So now that I'm finally earning my own keep - sort of - I cringe at the thought of asking them for help again. I mean, I do have some dignity left... LOL. But I feel like I totally fail at life, and it is beyond me how most people my age manage to support not only themselves, but multiple children sometimes. If I had to worry about someone who was financially dependent on me, I would probably shoot myself. *mirthless laugh*
(no subject)
Date: 2009-04-06 09:50 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2009-04-07 03:33 am (UTC)Yeah, my mother keeps telling me to look for a part-time weekend job or something. But I already feel like I have no life at all, what with the 40 hours a week + the commute, you know? I do take overtime whenever available (even though I hate it), but I don't think I could handle another job on top of this one. Unless it were something I could do at home.
Speaking of which - I am still hoping something will come out of that translation project I mentioned months ago. It hasn't progressed much, because my publisher friend is a very busy woman and has plenty of other stuff going on - but I want to be ready if we do manage to get that going. I want to actually be able to find the time to do it. I want THIS to be my extra part-time job. So I'm not looking for anything else until I'm sure this isn't going to happen. Which is stupid of me, probably, but there you go. *sigh*
(no subject)
Date: 2009-04-08 05:59 pm (UTC)thinking of you.
(no subject)
Date: 2009-04-09 03:47 am (UTC)Yeah. And no bills to pay, no budget to worry about, no job to go to... just trees and birds and flowers and the sky. *craves*