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floatingleafAnd now for something entirely different. I have stumbled upon this fascinating article about emotional abusers. Fascinating because up until now, I wasn't quite aware that this is what I went through at some point in my life, that it is so well defined and has such a clinical term attached to it. Emotional abuse. According to the article's author, it is no less damaging than its physical equivalent - though far less obvious and sometimes hard to detect or defend yourself against. Especially if you're young, clueless and totally inexperienced, relationship-wise - like I was at the time. Reading this article tripped me out, because I kept recognizing one thing after another. I wish could have read it 15 years ago - not that it would have helped, necessarily, but you know. It's just... perhaps it would have made me realize that I wasn't alone in this, and that it REALLY, REALLY wasn't my fault (I know that now, I've known that for years - but I didn't know it back then, and I can't help thinking that MAYBE things would have been different if I did). So anyway... here's the link:
http://www.heartless-bitches.com/rants/manipulator/emotional_abuse.shtml
The whole text is rather long, and fortunately only parts of it apply in my case. So I am just going to copy-paste some relevant fragments below.
If you are in a relationship where you have a sick sense that SOMETHING is wrong, but somehow it's always YOUR fault, and you find yourself always tring to "fix" things, this article may be for you.
Like the alcoholic, an abuser must admit his behavior to himself and others, and seek help. Unfortunately, not all therapy works, and not all people who go into therapy are ready or willing to do the personal work necessary to get better and eliminate their destructive patterns. As such, abusers are not safe people - even after they enter therapy. It can take years of therapy to unravel and undo the damage and self-hate that has driven someone to abuse. During that time, the abuser may actually get worse before his behavior improves, if it changes at all. It is quite common for deeply disturbed people who enter therapy to initially use the therapy to project their problems on everyone else and point out the character flaws of those around them, rather than face their own internal demons. Until they can be honest with themselves and the therapist, the therapy will accomplish nothing. For a person who has spent a lifetime of lying and hating themselves, honesty does not come easily.
Emphasis mine. By way of explanation, my first "romantic" relationship started while we were BOTH going through therapy. So, we both knew we had issues. However, I kinda thought it could have been worse, since we were both 'getting help'. Besides, I was 22 and I'd never been with anyone. I'd never had sex... I had never been kissed, for heaven's sake. So I was pretty desperate at that point. As well as quite convinced I might never meet another lesbian until I die. So when it turned out that my ROOMMATE at a students' hostel was one too... well, you get the picture. Things progressed pretty quickly. Before I knew it, I was in deep shit - and knowing no better, still considered myself lucky to not be single anymore.:/
The more subtle forms of emotional abuse can be the hardest to escape from, because the gaps between the loving, caring behavior and the emotional cruelty can span several weeks or months. However, someone who is nice and caring, and helpful for 2 or 3 months at a time, but then deliberately does or says something very emotionally devastating and cruel to a partner is no better than someone who does the same nice things but then PUNCHES his partner once every few months. The pain, the insecurity, the uncertainty, and the heartache are the same. The bruises and the welts are on the inside instead of the outside, and they take far longer to heal. While someone may be emotionally blindsided by major episodes of emotional cruelty, and may even recognize it as abuse, abused partners often "overlook" the subtle everyday criticisms, "chain yanking", and emotional blackmail that are woven into the fabric of their relationship, accepting (or denying) it as just part of a "relationship". Unfortunately, it's part of a very UNHEALTHY relationship.
Yeah. Except the 'nice' behavior never stayed uninterrupted for nearly as long as a few weeks or months. It was only days, at best.
One of the most difficult things about identifying and leaving someone who is a psychological and emotional abuser, is that the REALLY successful abusers are highly intelligent and hide their abuse incredibly well. They may have shelves of filled with psychology books; many are well-read and very well spoken. They know how to twist and manipulate language and people. They present an exterior of calm, rational self-control, when in reality, they have no internal control of their own pain and chaotic self-hate, so they try to control others, and drive others to LOSE control. If an abuser can cause YOU to lose control, it proves how healthy HE is, so he can say, explicitly, or implicitly (it's amazing how sighs, and rolling of the eyes can accomplish as much as words), "There you go again, losing it, crying and yelling. I'm not the one who needs therapy, *you* are."
Oh yes. She was incredibly smart. It was one of the main things that attracted me to her in the first place. I mean, I would never have gotten involved with someone primitive or stupid, would I? She knew all the psychiatric terminology and used it with abandon, diagnosing other people (like me, for example) on a daily basis. She knew she was fucked up, too. But being with me (as she once confessed in bitter anger) made her feel better about herself, because I was - lo and behold - actually more fucked up than she was. The funny part? I believed it.:/
Abusers play the pushme-pull-you game threatening to withdraw their affections, dropping statements out of the blue intended to destabilize. This has the effect of making their partners insecure and uncertain, but that plays right into the abuser's hand as he then can accuse the partner of being "too needy". Ploys such as casually talking about how he's thinking of taking a job in another city are one such example of destabilizing talk. In this kind of case, it doesn't start with any discussion of your relationship, or what might happen to it - he talks only of the cool job opportunity, with no recognition of the impact it might have on you, your relationship, or your family.
Yeah. She loved to talk about taking a summer job in Germany as an au-pair nanny (she studied German at uni). Without ever asking me how I would feel about it. She did go, eventually. Had a casual fling with another woman while there, too. And very casually told me all about it after she came back (including the asessment that said woman "understood her better" after three days than I did after a year - or however long we'd been together at that point).
Emotional abusers overcompensate for their self-hate with a warped kind of narcissism. They genuinely believe that YOU SHOULD know how they feel, and know what to do to make them happy. AND that you should be willing to do those things without having to be asked or told. They believe that they DESERVE to be treated better, to be put first, to be given preferential treatment. He will expect you to read his mind. He lives by the "if you really loved me, you'd KNOW how I feel" game, and of course will punish you for not being telepathic.
Heheh. This actually applies to my mother as well - to a certain extent. But let's not go there for the moment... or I might end up writing a novel.:P
Emotional abusers will remind you of your flaws under the guise of trying to be "helpful" or sensitive. He may make comments like, "You seem unhappy with your body" - even though you have made no comments about your body image or otherwise, or "You are running late again - you never can get anywhere on time", or "There doesn't seem to be much point in planning things with you." All are comments intended to unbalance and remind you of what he perceives to be your weaknesses.
She did this ALL THE TIME.
Once, we had arranged to see a movie together, but she had some previous engagement, so we decided to meet at the theater. I got there first, bought the tickets and waited. She didn't show up. The movie had already started, so I went to return the tickets - but the lady at the booth said she could only take one of them back, not both. So I figured I might just as well see the movie by myself. And I did.
The punishment was dire. When I came back home to my girlfriend, she did not speak to me for at least a day or so. Then there was a terrible row. Or maybe the row came first... I'm not sure anymore. At any rate, I was being punished because SHE was late (for no apparent reason) and showed up at the theater AFTER I had returned her ticket. Now, if I had been the one who happened to be late... well, I don't really need to finish this sentence, do I now? *humorless smirk*
One emotional abuser went so far as to "set up" his wife so that she would isolate herself. He did it by "reminding" her of her "shyness", and how socially backward she was. He did this under the guise of "being sensitive" to her and the areas she "needed to work on".
Hahaha. She told me on several occasions that she was actually ashamed to show up with me in public, due to my terribly embarrassing awkwardness and lack of social skills. As you can imagine, this improved my behavior immensely and made me extremely willing to socialize on a daily basis.:/
Emotional abusers expect more from their partners than they are willing to put into a relationship. The problem is, no matter how much the partner gives, it will never be enough, and the abuser will expect more - because the relationship isn't about love for the abuser, it's about control.
Yeah, baby.
Emotional abusers expect to be forgiven for their "mistakes" (otherwise known as abuse) but are unable to forgive their partners for legitimate mistakes - and will continue to "punish" their partners for those mistakes, long after apologies and restitution have been made.
Emotional abusers expect their partners to change for them. Unfortunately, the changes the partner makes will never be enough - the abuser will always want more.
Yes. I was always ME who needed to change in order for things to work out between us. And I tried, oh my Fucking God, I tried so fucking hard all the fucking time. *HEADDESK*
Emotional abusers have huge double standards. What is ok for them, is NOT ok for their partners. I.e. THEY are allowed to get angry - their partners are not.
Oh dear. I always had a tendency to bottle up my anger, because I hate conflict so much. I usually just clamped my mouth shut and waited until she stopped yelling accusations, slamming doors etc. Sometimes she would scream herself blue in the face before she managed to get a raise out of me... lol. But when she finally did, when I lost it and shouted back, she just raised her voice another notch and/or suffused her words with even more icy contempt/sarcasm. She knew exactly what to say to really hit a sensitive spot and leave me gasping. It simply hurt too much, so I always cringed back in defeat. She won every argument, every time.
No matter what the partner does, the abuser will find a way to find fault with it - if the cat craps on his bed and she doesn't clean it up, she is uncaring and selfish. If she DOES clean it up, then she was invading his personal space.
Yeah. I found by trial and error that doing the opposite thing in a similar situation (opposite to the original thing I did which made her angry/sad/disappointed/whatever) was somehow always WORSE in outcome. Yet whenever I tried to get her to just TELL me exactly what on earth she wanted from me, she made me feel like a complete moron for even having to ask.:/
Emotional abusers, like physical abusers, can be exceedingly charming -that's why it's so hard for the victim of abuse - their friends only see the charming side, and don't see the discourtesy, lies, meanness, condescension and rudeness that happens inside the relationship.
Mmhmm... she was always the life of the party when we went out together. Everyone loved hanging out with her - some people probably didn't understand what she was doing with a dull, uninspiring person like me. And she was exceedingly nice & friendly to everyone too
- as well as rather vicious in her judgement of their personalities while she discussed them with me later on. Strangely enough, it did take some time before I started to wonder what she was saying to other people about me when I wasn't around.:/
And, finally, stating the obvious that WASN'T obvious to me for quite some time:
People who ARE capable of genuinely loving you in a healthy and safe way, DON'T WANT TO HURT YOU, and do not DELIBERATELY DO THINGS TO HURT YOU. They don't play on your insecurities and they don't wage psychological warfare on you. They don't blame YOU for all the relationship problems, and they don't fabricate problems just so you can be the scapegoat.
I did find that out, you know, in the course of my next relationship. Which was, I dare say, completely healthy. So healthy as to be almost boring.:P However, the 3+ years of pain and misery did leave a mark, and at times I still can't fathom WHY I didn't 'wake up' sooner. WHY did I have to wait for someone like that to dump me?... (though by the time she did, it was almost a relief... lol) Btw, I'm not saying I was an emotionally whole and balanced individual when we first met. I certainly wasn't. It wouldn't have lasted a month if I was... lol. HOWEVER, as I said above, my next relationship was mundanely 'normal'. HER next relationship, after me, was a short-lived, stormy affair that ended in tears. After the breakup, me and her next ex had a series of very interesting chats, during which we discovered the EXACT SAME abuse patterns (though we didn't call them that at the time) applied to us both (despite the fact that we hardly had anything in common, personality-wise). In other words, we were both being constantly accused of the same failings - or having the same failings PROJECTED onto us by our dear 'significant other'. We were just mirrors - training grounds for the abovementioned "psychological warfare". The only difference being that the next ex was a much more self-confident person than I and simply couldn't take the crap for half as long as I did. Oh well. Good for her, I guess.
I am not saying, either, that our "emotional abuser" was utterly evil. No. She was, in many ways, a good person - just very damaged and totally unfit for "romantic attachments". I hope she is better now - though I highly doubt it. I am certainly better now. I learned a valuable lesson, I suppose. So next time I will know an abuser when I see one. Not that it matters, since I seem to be well past the "mating" stage.:P In any case, it felt good to get some of this stuff off my chest. I could go on and on. And on. But I'm sure that whoever is still reading this, gets the picture.:) Therefore, I shall refrain from further airing of figurative dirty laundry - at least for the moment.;) Good night.
http://www.heartless-bitches.com/rants/manipulator/emotional_abuse.shtml
The whole text is rather long, and fortunately only parts of it apply in my case. So I am just going to copy-paste some relevant fragments below.
If you are in a relationship where you have a sick sense that SOMETHING is wrong, but somehow it's always YOUR fault, and you find yourself always tring to "fix" things, this article may be for you.
Like the alcoholic, an abuser must admit his behavior to himself and others, and seek help. Unfortunately, not all therapy works, and not all people who go into therapy are ready or willing to do the personal work necessary to get better and eliminate their destructive patterns. As such, abusers are not safe people - even after they enter therapy. It can take years of therapy to unravel and undo the damage and self-hate that has driven someone to abuse. During that time, the abuser may actually get worse before his behavior improves, if it changes at all. It is quite common for deeply disturbed people who enter therapy to initially use the therapy to project their problems on everyone else and point out the character flaws of those around them, rather than face their own internal demons. Until they can be honest with themselves and the therapist, the therapy will accomplish nothing. For a person who has spent a lifetime of lying and hating themselves, honesty does not come easily.
Emphasis mine. By way of explanation, my first "romantic" relationship started while we were BOTH going through therapy. So, we both knew we had issues. However, I kinda thought it could have been worse, since we were both 'getting help'. Besides, I was 22 and I'd never been with anyone. I'd never had sex... I had never been kissed, for heaven's sake. So I was pretty desperate at that point. As well as quite convinced I might never meet another lesbian until I die. So when it turned out that my ROOMMATE at a students' hostel was one too... well, you get the picture. Things progressed pretty quickly. Before I knew it, I was in deep shit - and knowing no better, still considered myself lucky to not be single anymore.:/
The more subtle forms of emotional abuse can be the hardest to escape from, because the gaps between the loving, caring behavior and the emotional cruelty can span several weeks or months. However, someone who is nice and caring, and helpful for 2 or 3 months at a time, but then deliberately does or says something very emotionally devastating and cruel to a partner is no better than someone who does the same nice things but then PUNCHES his partner once every few months. The pain, the insecurity, the uncertainty, and the heartache are the same. The bruises and the welts are on the inside instead of the outside, and they take far longer to heal. While someone may be emotionally blindsided by major episodes of emotional cruelty, and may even recognize it as abuse, abused partners often "overlook" the subtle everyday criticisms, "chain yanking", and emotional blackmail that are woven into the fabric of their relationship, accepting (or denying) it as just part of a "relationship". Unfortunately, it's part of a very UNHEALTHY relationship.
Yeah. Except the 'nice' behavior never stayed uninterrupted for nearly as long as a few weeks or months. It was only days, at best.
One of the most difficult things about identifying and leaving someone who is a psychological and emotional abuser, is that the REALLY successful abusers are highly intelligent and hide their abuse incredibly well. They may have shelves of filled with psychology books; many are well-read and very well spoken. They know how to twist and manipulate language and people. They present an exterior of calm, rational self-control, when in reality, they have no internal control of their own pain and chaotic self-hate, so they try to control others, and drive others to LOSE control. If an abuser can cause YOU to lose control, it proves how healthy HE is, so he can say, explicitly, or implicitly (it's amazing how sighs, and rolling of the eyes can accomplish as much as words), "There you go again, losing it, crying and yelling. I'm not the one who needs therapy, *you* are."
Oh yes. She was incredibly smart. It was one of the main things that attracted me to her in the first place. I mean, I would never have gotten involved with someone primitive or stupid, would I? She knew all the psychiatric terminology and used it with abandon, diagnosing other people (like me, for example) on a daily basis. She knew she was fucked up, too. But being with me (as she once confessed in bitter anger) made her feel better about herself, because I was - lo and behold - actually more fucked up than she was. The funny part? I believed it.:/
Abusers play the pushme-pull-you game threatening to withdraw their affections, dropping statements out of the blue intended to destabilize. This has the effect of making their partners insecure and uncertain, but that plays right into the abuser's hand as he then can accuse the partner of being "too needy". Ploys such as casually talking about how he's thinking of taking a job in another city are one such example of destabilizing talk. In this kind of case, it doesn't start with any discussion of your relationship, or what might happen to it - he talks only of the cool job opportunity, with no recognition of the impact it might have on you, your relationship, or your family.
Yeah. She loved to talk about taking a summer job in Germany as an au-pair nanny (she studied German at uni). Without ever asking me how I would feel about it. She did go, eventually. Had a casual fling with another woman while there, too. And very casually told me all about it after she came back (including the asessment that said woman "understood her better" after three days than I did after a year - or however long we'd been together at that point).
Emotional abusers overcompensate for their self-hate with a warped kind of narcissism. They genuinely believe that YOU SHOULD know how they feel, and know what to do to make them happy. AND that you should be willing to do those things without having to be asked or told. They believe that they DESERVE to be treated better, to be put first, to be given preferential treatment. He will expect you to read his mind. He lives by the "if you really loved me, you'd KNOW how I feel" game, and of course will punish you for not being telepathic.
Heheh. This actually applies to my mother as well - to a certain extent. But let's not go there for the moment... or I might end up writing a novel.:P
Emotional abusers will remind you of your flaws under the guise of trying to be "helpful" or sensitive. He may make comments like, "You seem unhappy with your body" - even though you have made no comments about your body image or otherwise, or "You are running late again - you never can get anywhere on time", or "There doesn't seem to be much point in planning things with you." All are comments intended to unbalance and remind you of what he perceives to be your weaknesses.
She did this ALL THE TIME.
Once, we had arranged to see a movie together, but she had some previous engagement, so we decided to meet at the theater. I got there first, bought the tickets and waited. She didn't show up. The movie had already started, so I went to return the tickets - but the lady at the booth said she could only take one of them back, not both. So I figured I might just as well see the movie by myself. And I did.
The punishment was dire. When I came back home to my girlfriend, she did not speak to me for at least a day or so. Then there was a terrible row. Or maybe the row came first... I'm not sure anymore. At any rate, I was being punished because SHE was late (for no apparent reason) and showed up at the theater AFTER I had returned her ticket. Now, if I had been the one who happened to be late... well, I don't really need to finish this sentence, do I now? *humorless smirk*
One emotional abuser went so far as to "set up" his wife so that she would isolate herself. He did it by "reminding" her of her "shyness", and how socially backward she was. He did this under the guise of "being sensitive" to her and the areas she "needed to work on".
Hahaha. She told me on several occasions that she was actually ashamed to show up with me in public, due to my terribly embarrassing awkwardness and lack of social skills. As you can imagine, this improved my behavior immensely and made me extremely willing to socialize on a daily basis.:/
Emotional abusers expect more from their partners than they are willing to put into a relationship. The problem is, no matter how much the partner gives, it will never be enough, and the abuser will expect more - because the relationship isn't about love for the abuser, it's about control.
Yeah, baby.
Emotional abusers expect to be forgiven for their "mistakes" (otherwise known as abuse) but are unable to forgive their partners for legitimate mistakes - and will continue to "punish" their partners for those mistakes, long after apologies and restitution have been made.
Emotional abusers expect their partners to change for them. Unfortunately, the changes the partner makes will never be enough - the abuser will always want more.
Yes. I was always ME who needed to change in order for things to work out between us. And I tried, oh my Fucking God, I tried so fucking hard all the fucking time. *HEADDESK*
Emotional abusers have huge double standards. What is ok for them, is NOT ok for their partners. I.e. THEY are allowed to get angry - their partners are not.
Oh dear. I always had a tendency to bottle up my anger, because I hate conflict so much. I usually just clamped my mouth shut and waited until she stopped yelling accusations, slamming doors etc. Sometimes she would scream herself blue in the face before she managed to get a raise out of me... lol. But when she finally did, when I lost it and shouted back, she just raised her voice another notch and/or suffused her words with even more icy contempt/sarcasm. She knew exactly what to say to really hit a sensitive spot and leave me gasping. It simply hurt too much, so I always cringed back in defeat. She won every argument, every time.
No matter what the partner does, the abuser will find a way to find fault with it - if the cat craps on his bed and she doesn't clean it up, she is uncaring and selfish. If she DOES clean it up, then she was invading his personal space.
Yeah. I found by trial and error that doing the opposite thing in a similar situation (opposite to the original thing I did which made her angry/sad/disappointed/whatever) was somehow always WORSE in outcome. Yet whenever I tried to get her to just TELL me exactly what on earth she wanted from me, she made me feel like a complete moron for even having to ask.:/
Emotional abusers, like physical abusers, can be exceedingly charming -that's why it's so hard for the victim of abuse - their friends only see the charming side, and don't see the discourtesy, lies, meanness, condescension and rudeness that happens inside the relationship.
Mmhmm... she was always the life of the party when we went out together. Everyone loved hanging out with her - some people probably didn't understand what she was doing with a dull, uninspiring person like me. And she was exceedingly nice & friendly to everyone too
- as well as rather vicious in her judgement of their personalities while she discussed them with me later on. Strangely enough, it did take some time before I started to wonder what she was saying to other people about me when I wasn't around.:/
And, finally, stating the obvious that WASN'T obvious to me for quite some time:
People who ARE capable of genuinely loving you in a healthy and safe way, DON'T WANT TO HURT YOU, and do not DELIBERATELY DO THINGS TO HURT YOU. They don't play on your insecurities and they don't wage psychological warfare on you. They don't blame YOU for all the relationship problems, and they don't fabricate problems just so you can be the scapegoat.
I did find that out, you know, in the course of my next relationship. Which was, I dare say, completely healthy. So healthy as to be almost boring.:P However, the 3+ years of pain and misery did leave a mark, and at times I still can't fathom WHY I didn't 'wake up' sooner. WHY did I have to wait for someone like that to dump me?... (though by the time she did, it was almost a relief... lol) Btw, I'm not saying I was an emotionally whole and balanced individual when we first met. I certainly wasn't. It wouldn't have lasted a month if I was... lol. HOWEVER, as I said above, my next relationship was mundanely 'normal'. HER next relationship, after me, was a short-lived, stormy affair that ended in tears. After the breakup, me and her next ex had a series of very interesting chats, during which we discovered the EXACT SAME abuse patterns (though we didn't call them that at the time) applied to us both (despite the fact that we hardly had anything in common, personality-wise). In other words, we were both being constantly accused of the same failings - or having the same failings PROJECTED onto us by our dear 'significant other'. We were just mirrors - training grounds for the abovementioned "psychological warfare". The only difference being that the next ex was a much more self-confident person than I and simply couldn't take the crap for half as long as I did. Oh well. Good for her, I guess.
I am not saying, either, that our "emotional abuser" was utterly evil. No. She was, in many ways, a good person - just very damaged and totally unfit for "romantic attachments". I hope she is better now - though I highly doubt it. I am certainly better now. I learned a valuable lesson, I suppose. So next time I will know an abuser when I see one. Not that it matters, since I seem to be well past the "mating" stage.:P In any case, it felt good to get some of this stuff off my chest. I could go on and on. And on. But I'm sure that whoever is still reading this, gets the picture.:) Therefore, I shall refrain from further airing of figurative dirty laundry - at least for the moment.;) Good night.
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(no subject)
Date: 2010-02-22 05:09 pm (UTC)i'm sorry you went through all that. you're right, though; it's a huge learning experience. a tiny example of that principle occurred for me while working yesterday. my boss has warned me several times about what a mess a certain processing mistake can make, and i've heard him... but yesterday, i did make that mistake. i can tell you, that lesson is learned now. just doing it wrong that one time was so much more impactful to me; i know it won't happen again.
hopefully the same principle holds for relationships, right? *hugs*
(no subject)
Date: 2010-02-23 02:35 am (UTC)Yeah. One can only learn from one's own mistakes, not someone else's.:/ I just wish it hadn't taken me so long to figure out I would have been ten times happier on my own. *sigh*