isn't it ironic?...:/
Aug. 10th, 2010 11:33 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
floatingleafI think I'm having a little emotional breakdown at the moment. And the reason why will probably make you laugh. A friend of mine is planning a trip to New Zealand this fall (end of November/beginning of December is the tentative timeframe). And yes, she did invite me along - she's trying to gather as big a group of fellow travellers as she can to make it cheaper. Of course, I can't go. And of course, she doesn't even have a concept of how much I WANT to go (she's not a LOTR fan; she knows about my LOTR-obsession, but I don't suppose she's even making the connection - she just loves to travel to exotic places, and this is another one of those on her list).
She just sent this invitation email out yesterday to all her contacts - and I've been in a state of barely controlled mental turmoil since then. Had she chosen any other country, I would have been regretful, yes, but not crushed to realize I have to decline. So why New Zealand?... Why NOW???... Her cost estimate for the trip is about $2,500 per person - there's no way I can spend that much in one go without getting rid of half my savings (there's this little emergency savings account I have, which I had promised myself not to touch unless the sky falls down or something - if I empty it out recklessly to go on a trip, I will not be able to sleep at night). Not to mention the small detail of not having a valid passport (I never applied for a US passport after gaining citizenship, precisely because spending money on foreign travel was pretty much unthinkable to me at that point - and as far as I know, the average waiting time for a new passport is about 6 months). Or enough vacation days available (7 left for the year; she's planning to go for at least 2 weeks). There is just no way I can go THIS YEAR - but I also have a sinking feeling that if I don't use this opportunity to join a more or less organized group (my friend would be in charge of everything, and she's good at organizing stuff like that), I would simply never have enough money/time/guts/determination etc. to actually figure out how to see NZ on my own. Of course, I would have preferred to go with fellow LOTR-fans - but I'm not close enough with anyone who either lives there, or is likely to go, for them to actually consider inviting me along... and she HAS invited me, and it just feels so unfair that it hasn't happened at a more opportune moment. I wrote her back explaining why I couldn't go, and adding that if she postponed the trip, I would very seriously consider going next year or later - but she only said: "Oh well... I'm sorry you can't come along this time." And it felt like a slap to the face. I know this is a childish reaction - obviously I can't expect her to change her plans just to suit me. We're not bosom buddies who routinely travel together or anything - she did me an unexpected favor just by offering, you know. But that's what I mean when I say I'm having an emotional breakdown: since I can't go, I feel like I don't want her to go either. I don't want to hear anymore about this trip or how great it's going to be, because I just might start crying. Another thing is, I haven't really gone anywhere outside of Chicagoland since 2008 - mostly due to financial reasons, but also due to the fact that I don't really fancy travelling alone, and I'm not close enough friends with anyone living in my area to actually plan trips together. I barely see anyone "in person", for heaven's sake - I feel much closer to a bunch of people across the Atlantic than to the very few Chicago residents whom I call friends. It's my own fault, of course, and has much to do with the fact that I find it infinitely easier to get to know people through teh internetz than through any traditional means involving, for example, actually SEEING and TALKING to people in a non-virtual context. *headdesk* But that is a whole another etc. I just find it so bitterly ironic that when someone actually offers to pull me out of my self-imposed antisocial exile, it is an offer so outrageously out of my reach that I have to decline - as well as so cruelly close to something I have barely dared dream about. The things is, I have been perfectly reconciled with the very slim likelihood of ever being able to afford going there - until now. Now that I know a friend of mine is planning to go, I can't help wondering how on earth SHE can afford it - as far as I know, she was unemployed for a while this year, and has a rather low-paying job at the moment. So how did she manage to whip up those two grand?... Oh, right - she lives with her parents. That might explain it. If I could put aside $600 every month instead of spending it on rent, I would also be able to travel to exotic places at least once a year. So what's stopping me?... Ah, here we go - my overwhelming desire for privacy and not having to be around my mother for more than a few hours/days at a time. Apparently, that ranks higher on my priority list than the desire to see NZ, the British Isles, Scandinavia and tons of other places I would love to see. So I shouldn't really complain. If all I care about is hiding AWAY from people, then I should just let people have their fun without me, no?...
Looks like this has unexpectedly turned into some sort of a midlife crisis.:/ How timely. Maybe I really should rethink my priorities before I hit the ominous age of 40.:( I feel chained to a place I never actually chose to be in, always longing for other places and people who are too far away, yet hardly ever reaching out to those who happen to be physically close. There are always a thousand reasons why I can't really do anything I want to do. And it doesn't even occur to me to ask myself what I want until I see someone else casually reaching for it right in front of my very face. It's a perfect metaphor of my entire life story, precious, yes it is. I don't even need a shrink to tell me what's wrong with this picture. Not that I could afford a shrink, anyway. I'd rather start saving for an actual vacation that might involve some SOCIALIZING - as opposed to staying at home, because if I travel alone, then, you know, I might to actually have to TALK TO STRANGERS or something.:[ Well, it's either that or hiding in a cave forever and whinging to myself about all those OTHER people who just up and go places as if it was the easiest thing in the world. Instead of crying that I can't go to New-fucking-Zealand right-fucking-now, perhaps I should start thinking of some long-term plan that will get me there in a not-too-distant future (like, before I get too old & sick to care). Why do I have to wait for someone to invite me along?... Maybe I should invite someone and THEN we can figure it out together?... Any takers?... Just tell me it WILL happen some day - if only to make me feel better.;) I am in serious need of a pat on the shoulder, whether I actually deserve it or not.:(
OK. That's it. Don't mind me - just needed to vent. Also, I'd like to apologize for the excessive use of the word "actually". I wonder what a shrink would have to say about THAT one... lol. As if it actually matters. Not that I think I'm being funny or anything, you know. *shuts up*
She just sent this invitation email out yesterday to all her contacts - and I've been in a state of barely controlled mental turmoil since then. Had she chosen any other country, I would have been regretful, yes, but not crushed to realize I have to decline. So why New Zealand?... Why NOW???... Her cost estimate for the trip is about $2,500 per person - there's no way I can spend that much in one go without getting rid of half my savings (there's this little emergency savings account I have, which I had promised myself not to touch unless the sky falls down or something - if I empty it out recklessly to go on a trip, I will not be able to sleep at night). Not to mention the small detail of not having a valid passport (I never applied for a US passport after gaining citizenship, precisely because spending money on foreign travel was pretty much unthinkable to me at that point - and as far as I know, the average waiting time for a new passport is about 6 months). Or enough vacation days available (7 left for the year; she's planning to go for at least 2 weeks). There is just no way I can go THIS YEAR - but I also have a sinking feeling that if I don't use this opportunity to join a more or less organized group (my friend would be in charge of everything, and she's good at organizing stuff like that), I would simply never have enough money/time/guts/determination etc. to actually figure out how to see NZ on my own. Of course, I would have preferred to go with fellow LOTR-fans - but I'm not close enough with anyone who either lives there, or is likely to go, for them to actually consider inviting me along... and she HAS invited me, and it just feels so unfair that it hasn't happened at a more opportune moment. I wrote her back explaining why I couldn't go, and adding that if she postponed the trip, I would very seriously consider going next year or later - but she only said: "Oh well... I'm sorry you can't come along this time." And it felt like a slap to the face. I know this is a childish reaction - obviously I can't expect her to change her plans just to suit me. We're not bosom buddies who routinely travel together or anything - she did me an unexpected favor just by offering, you know. But that's what I mean when I say I'm having an emotional breakdown: since I can't go, I feel like I don't want her to go either. I don't want to hear anymore about this trip or how great it's going to be, because I just might start crying. Another thing is, I haven't really gone anywhere outside of Chicagoland since 2008 - mostly due to financial reasons, but also due to the fact that I don't really fancy travelling alone, and I'm not close enough friends with anyone living in my area to actually plan trips together. I barely see anyone "in person", for heaven's sake - I feel much closer to a bunch of people across the Atlantic than to the very few Chicago residents whom I call friends. It's my own fault, of course, and has much to do with the fact that I find it infinitely easier to get to know people through teh internetz than through any traditional means involving, for example, actually SEEING and TALKING to people in a non-virtual context. *headdesk* But that is a whole another etc. I just find it so bitterly ironic that when someone actually offers to pull me out of my self-imposed antisocial exile, it is an offer so outrageously out of my reach that I have to decline - as well as so cruelly close to something I have barely dared dream about. The things is, I have been perfectly reconciled with the very slim likelihood of ever being able to afford going there - until now. Now that I know a friend of mine is planning to go, I can't help wondering how on earth SHE can afford it - as far as I know, she was unemployed for a while this year, and has a rather low-paying job at the moment. So how did she manage to whip up those two grand?... Oh, right - she lives with her parents. That might explain it. If I could put aside $600 every month instead of spending it on rent, I would also be able to travel to exotic places at least once a year. So what's stopping me?... Ah, here we go - my overwhelming desire for privacy and not having to be around my mother for more than a few hours/days at a time. Apparently, that ranks higher on my priority list than the desire to see NZ, the British Isles, Scandinavia and tons of other places I would love to see. So I shouldn't really complain. If all I care about is hiding AWAY from people, then I should just let people have their fun without me, no?...
Looks like this has unexpectedly turned into some sort of a midlife crisis.:/ How timely. Maybe I really should rethink my priorities before I hit the ominous age of 40.:( I feel chained to a place I never actually chose to be in, always longing for other places and people who are too far away, yet hardly ever reaching out to those who happen to be physically close. There are always a thousand reasons why I can't really do anything I want to do. And it doesn't even occur to me to ask myself what I want until I see someone else casually reaching for it right in front of my very face. It's a perfect metaphor of my entire life story, precious, yes it is. I don't even need a shrink to tell me what's wrong with this picture. Not that I could afford a shrink, anyway. I'd rather start saving for an actual vacation that might involve some SOCIALIZING - as opposed to staying at home, because if I travel alone, then, you know, I might to actually have to TALK TO STRANGERS or something.:[ Well, it's either that or hiding in a cave forever and whinging to myself about all those OTHER people who just up and go places as if it was the easiest thing in the world. Instead of crying that I can't go to New-fucking-Zealand right-fucking-now, perhaps I should start thinking of some long-term plan that will get me there in a not-too-distant future (like, before I get too old & sick to care). Why do I have to wait for someone to invite me along?... Maybe I should invite someone and THEN we can figure it out together?... Any takers?... Just tell me it WILL happen some day - if only to make me feel better.;) I am in serious need of a pat on the shoulder, whether I actually deserve it or not.:(
OK. That's it. Don't mind me - just needed to vent. Also, I'd like to apologize for the excessive use of the word "actually". I wonder what a shrink would have to say about THAT one... lol. As if it actually matters. Not that I think I'm being funny or anything, you know. *shuts up*
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(no subject)
Date: 2010-09-01 04:09 am (UTC)Haha! That's a priceless image.:D
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Date: 2010-09-09 02:48 am (UTC)