isn't it ironic?...:/

[floatingleaf]

I think I'm having a little emotional breakdown at the moment. And the reason why will probably make you laugh. A friend of mine is planning a trip to New Zealand this fall (end of November/beginning of December is the tentative timeframe). And yes, she did invite me along - she's trying to gather as big a group of fellow travellers as she can to make it cheaper. Of course, I can't go. And of course, she doesn't even have a concept of how much I WANT to go (she's not a LOTR fan; she knows about my LOTR-obsession, but I don't suppose she's even making the connection - she just loves to travel to exotic places, and this is another one of those on her list).



She just sent this invitation email out yesterday to all her contacts - and I've been in a state of barely controlled mental turmoil since then. Had she chosen any other country, I would have been regretful, yes, but not crushed to realize I have to decline. So why New Zealand?... Why NOW???... Her cost estimate for the trip is about $2,500 per person - there's no way I can spend that much in one go without getting rid of half my savings (there's this little emergency savings account I have, which I had promised myself not to touch unless the sky falls down or something - if I empty it out recklessly to go on a trip, I will not be able to sleep at night). Not to mention the small detail of not having a valid passport (I never applied for a US passport after gaining citizenship, precisely because spending money on foreign travel was pretty much unthinkable to me at that point - and as far as I know, the average waiting time for a new passport is about 6 months). Or enough vacation days available (7 left for the year; she's planning to go for at least 2 weeks). There is just no way I can go THIS YEAR - but I also have a sinking feeling that if I don't use this opportunity to join a more or less organized group (my friend would be in charge of everything, and she's good at organizing stuff like that), I would simply never have enough money/time/guts/determination etc. to actually figure out how to see NZ on my own. Of course, I would have preferred to go with fellow LOTR-fans - but I'm not close enough with anyone who either lives there, or is likely to go, for them to actually consider inviting me along... and she HAS invited me, and it just feels so unfair that it hasn't happened at a more opportune moment. I wrote her back explaining why I couldn't go, and adding that if she postponed the trip, I would very seriously consider going next year or later - but she only said: "Oh well... I'm sorry you can't come along this time." And it felt like a slap to the face. I know this is a childish reaction - obviously I can't expect her to change her plans just to suit me. We're not bosom buddies who routinely travel together or anything - she did me an unexpected favor just by offering, you know. But that's what I mean when I say I'm having an emotional breakdown: since I can't go, I feel like I don't want her to go either. I don't want to hear anymore about this trip or how great it's going to be, because I just might start crying. Another thing is, I haven't really gone anywhere outside of Chicagoland since 2008 - mostly due to financial reasons, but also due to the fact that I don't really fancy travelling alone, and I'm not close enough friends with anyone living in my area to actually plan trips together. I barely see anyone "in person", for heaven's sake - I feel much closer to a bunch of people across the Atlantic than to the very few Chicago residents whom I call friends. It's my own fault, of course, and has much to do with the fact that I find it infinitely easier to get to know people through teh internetz than through any traditional means involving, for example, actually SEEING and TALKING to people in a non-virtual context. *headdesk* But that is a whole another etc. I just find it so bitterly ironic that when someone actually offers to pull me out of my self-imposed antisocial exile, it is an offer so outrageously out of my reach that I have to decline - as well as so cruelly close to something I have barely dared dream about. The things is, I have been perfectly reconciled with the very slim likelihood of ever being able to afford going there - until now. Now that I know a friend of mine is planning to go, I can't help wondering how on earth SHE can afford it - as far as I know, she was unemployed for a while this year, and has a rather low-paying job at the moment. So how did she manage to whip up those two grand?... Oh, right - she lives with her parents. That might explain it. If I could put aside $600 every month instead of spending it on rent, I would also be able to travel to exotic places at least once a year. So what's stopping me?... Ah, here we go - my overwhelming desire for privacy and not having to be around my mother for more than a few hours/days at a time. Apparently, that ranks higher on my priority list than the desire to see NZ, the British Isles, Scandinavia and tons of other places I would love to see. So I shouldn't really complain. If all I care about is hiding AWAY from people, then I should just let people have their fun without me, no?...

Looks like this has unexpectedly turned into some sort of a midlife crisis.:/ How timely. Maybe I really should rethink my priorities before I hit the ominous age of 40.:( I feel chained to a place I never actually chose to be in, always longing for other places and people who are too far away, yet hardly ever reaching out to those who happen to be physically close. There are always a thousand reasons why I can't really do anything I want to do. And it doesn't even occur to me to ask myself what I want until I see someone else casually reaching for it right in front of my very face. It's a perfect metaphor of my entire life story, precious, yes it is. I don't even need a shrink to tell me what's wrong with this picture. Not that I could afford a shrink, anyway. I'd rather start saving for an actual vacation that might involve some SOCIALIZING - as opposed to staying at home, because if I travel alone, then, you know, I might to actually have to TALK TO STRANGERS or something.:[ Well, it's either that or hiding in a cave forever and whinging to myself about all those OTHER people who just up and go places as if it was the easiest thing in the world. Instead of crying that I can't go to New-fucking-Zealand right-fucking-now, perhaps I should start thinking of some long-term plan that will get me there in a not-too-distant future (like, before I get too old & sick to care). Why do I have to wait for someone to invite me along?... Maybe I should invite someone and THEN we can figure it out together?... Any takers?... Just tell me it WILL happen some day - if only to make me feel better.;) I am in serious need of a pat on the shoulder, whether I actually deserve it or not.:(

OK. That's it. Don't mind me - just needed to vent. Also, I'd like to apologize for the excessive use of the word "actually". I wonder what a shrink would have to say about THAT one... lol. As if it actually matters. Not that I think I'm being funny or anything, you know. *shuts up*

Comments

[romi.livejournal.com]

It was a long time ago I heard a person be so resolute. And who was so able to tell exactly what theri problem is -- without a lot of sidestepping or blaming things.

It's way too easy for you to stay at home instead of making the trouble of facing what social challenges there are outside your everyday path. There you have it. It's the most common thing that handicaps people in the western world.

Second to that, it's the financial limitation.

Here's my pat on the back and my thoughts:

Don't let your worries about one problem prevent you from starting a change in the other.

Common way to think: "It's no use saving money for a trip to Europe because I'm too socially afraid to go anyway. And it's no use to work on my social skills and widening my social network to dare make a trip to Europe, because I can't afford to go there anyway."

A more challening but perhaps, in the longer run, rewarding way to think: "I will try to see this in a shorter perspective. I will start a very small saving every month and reserve it for a possible trip to Europe. I will try to see it as a start for something and not think "this won't take me anywhere" each time I view the account. And I will find a way to enhance my social skills and widen my network. Perhaps there is a self-help book I can borrow at the library or a self-help course on the net. Not to become the perfect socializer -- just to enhance my skills a small bit and see what happens."

Who knows. After a year of practicing enhancement of social skills and widening network, you might find it fun, and look for a new job with better pay, and perhaps even a job where you can use your language skills for travel in Europe. There are several companies who look for people with knowledge of Europe, especially the East.

Hugs!

[floatingleaf.livejournal.com]

Hello, dear girl!!! <333 Long time no see, as they say. How are you and your little brood?...;)

who was so able to tell exactly what theri problem is -- without a lot of sidestepping or blaming things

I am old enough to know myself pretty well by now... lol. Not that it always helps... but I also know that blaming things doesn't help either.

It's no use saving money for a trip to Europe because I'm too socially afraid to go anyway. And it's no use to work on my social skills and widening my social network to dare make a trip to Europe, because I can't afford to go there anyway

Exactly. The vicious blind circle. The fact that I never even applied for a passport is the best example of my defeatist attitude. It is so incredibly easy for me to just give up - but then I see other people, who have not given up, and I feel myself becoming so bitter and envious it's almost frightening. I don't want to be this bitter, envious person. It's not pretty, and it isn't really me. Money can be a big obstacle, but saying "I would do this or that if only I had more money" can also be a very convenient excuse to not make any effort at all. Which brings us back to blaming things beyond our control (or things which we ASSUME to be beyond our control). And that only leads to bitterness etc.

I will find a way to enhance my social skills

It's not that I completely lack social skills - I can muster them up if I have to - but mostly I just end up feeling it wasn't worth the effort. For example, why fight to overcome my shyness only to exchange platitudes or talk about the weather? I can totally do without that, thank you very much. That's why I prefer meeting people online, where the acquaintance usually starts from discussing a common topic of interest (like fanfiction) - at least I know right away that me & this person actually have something in common.:) But that, of course, leads to the predictable trap of being left with a whole bunch of friends who all live too far away to ever be able to meet up with you and do anything together.:/ And that's how the social skills of actual in-person-interaction become rusty from lack of use. It's a question of 'refreshing' them, like a long-lost language I used to speak relatively well some years ago... (before I moved to another country, became trapped in my parents' house for many months and dicovered the internet which helped preserve my sanity... lol)

you might find it fun, and look for a new job with better pay

Honestly, I don't think I want to change my job. It's in many ways perfectly suited to who I am, and all the things I like about it really do make up for the low pay. After all, it's a place I spend a lot of time in - so it does matter a lot to me that I can feel comfortable there. I'd rather try to set up social challenges for myself on my private time every once in a while than have them forced on me by a more demanding position. I know I often tend to take the easy way out - but I also know my limits, and I know that a lot of stress at work depletes me of any energy I might otherwise use to improve my private life. So a job that would involve travelling and talking to people in more than one language sounds like a perfect nightmare... LOL.

Anyway... sorry for the long ramble, and thanks for being my private shrink yet again...;) *hugs*

[illuins-lair.livejournal.com]

I really feel like I understand your mixed feelings about the trip, and I suppose it´s only a natural reaction when being confronted with an impossible choice at the "wrong moment": to want to come along and not be able to for this or that reason. But perhaps this breakdown will cause you to reflect more seriously what exactly it is you want to experience in the long run - dreams tend to wither or be forgotten about if we don´t nurture or pay attention to them or become distracted with survival in the everyday-life.. If you really want to be there - you will, one day. This just made you wake up and question it somehow. It summons what I´ve always asked you: "What do you REALLy want?", because in the end, it all comes down to exactly that. I think it´s easy to forget it in the lulling chaos of everyday life, but no one is going to thank you for sacrificing or suppress your inner yearnings..
What I want to say is that; Yes, you can actually do whatever you want. Even a trip to NZ. It just takes some planning, but nothing is ever unreachable..
*znuggle*

[floatingleaf.livejournal.com]

perhaps this breakdown will cause you to reflect more seriously what exactly it is you want to experience in the long run

Yes, perhaps it will. I certainly hope so.

dreams tend to wither or be forgotten about if we don´t nurture or pay attention to them or become distracted with survival in the everyday-life..

That's so true...

no one is going to thank you for sacrificing or suppress your inner yearnings..

True, again. But apparently my "inner yearnings" have this uncanny ability to stay very well hidden, especially from myself... *headshake*

nothing is ever unreachable

I wish I could believe that. But I suppose I wouldn't be me if I did... *sigh*

*znuggle back*

[illuins-lair.livejournal.com]

Yes, perhaps it will. I certainly hope so.
It Always comes something good out of the bad... You have to trust that and it will be true. Just behind teh_corner.

apparently my "inner yearnings" have this uncanny ability to stay very well hidden, especially from myself..
Isn´t it almost always like that? I mean, we think we know what is needed - to unveil that Truth we´re seeking.. and it´s almost also always.. something entirely different n the end, than what we set out for =D

*wishes & prays for breakthrough and light*

[floatingleaf.livejournal.com]

Isn´t it almost always like that? I mean, we think we know what is needed - to unveil that Truth we´re seeking.. and it´s almost also always.. something entirely different n the end, than what we set out for =D

Yep. As though some higher power were having a good laugh at our expense.;)

Btw, I have often thought that God is either very bored or has a bad sense of humor.:P

[illuins-lair.livejournal.com]

I hear you! My own life has obviously been a good laugh this far *snorts*

Btw, I have often thought that God is either very bored or has a bad sense of humor.:P
LOL
That god-figure is probably very humourous - and slightly pervy
Yep, I can totally see her now; cracking her knuckles; squeeing up there on her rainbow-cloud...

[floatingleaf.livejournal.com]

I can totally see her now; cracking her knuckles; squeeing up there on her rainbow-cloud...

Haha! That's a priceless image.:D

[illuins-lair.livejournal.com]

Course it is! Guh!! Let´s make it an undeniable truth. *sharpens nails*