fuck it all

[floatingleaf]

I've been in a pretty dark mental space for the past few days. I just don't see much reason for cheerfulness, try as I might. I have a feeling this is only the beginning of some shitty period in my life and everything will basically go downhill from here. The fact that my mother called and we had a serious conversation about the FUTURE might have something to do with that. She has an uncanny way of making everything look absolutely BLEAK. Or maybe it's just a way of making me FACE REALITY, which I am otherwise pretty reluctant to do.

I wonder if that's what depression feels like. When you sort of trudge through your day, but don't really see much point. And if you happen upon something that would normally make you jump up & down in glee, you just go: Damn, I WISH I could enjoy it!... And you feel exhausted all the time, but can't really sleep very well. And when someone (like an annoyingly happy coworker) tells you to cheer up and "live a little", you just want to punch them in the face.:/

Also, I am apparently about to start looking for a part-time weekend job. According to my mother, anyway. I told her I would think about it. I could certainly use some extra money (or, to be precise, ANY money, since the word "extra" seems to imply you have some already in the first place, doesn't it?...). But this is ridiculous. I mean, I shouldn't have to work two jobs. I am single, and I don't have an army of kids to feed. Or even a cat/dog/hamster/whatever. I don't even WANT a damn car anymore, OKAY?... I just want some time to myself after I've put in my 40 hours at the office, and some peace and quiet. Which is, apparently, a privilege I can no longer afford. Fuck this land of fucking opportunity and everything that's fucked up about it. Fuck the Wall Street bankers, the moronic, gun-toting, Bible-thumping "patriots" and "health" insurance companies who would happily rip the last shirt off the back of a homeless guy dying in a ditch. It's all some sort of dark comedy, and so is my life, and it's just not funny anymore. Not fucking funny at all. Why bother? I will probably only end up homeless/mentally ill at some point anyway. Why wait till it happens?... Seriously... why?

*curls up in a ball*

Excuse my shit, but it needed to get out. End of transmission. Good night.

Comments

[mellacita.livejournal.com]

Yes, that is what it feels like.

*hugs* I wish I could help.

[floatingleaf.livejournal.com]

Thanks. *hugs back*

[gattodoro.livejournal.com]

Darling, reading your post made me wince in recognition because I've been in that dark place (and I have maternal issues too), so I hope you won't mind me commenting.

The good news (honestly, bear with me!) is that it does sound very much as though you are suffering from depression and I urge you to seek treatment because you deserve to be happy and you can be. There is a lot of crap in the world, but there are great things too.

I'm not expert other than on my own mental state, so I don't know what will work for you, but as you need to 'get it out' why not try counselling? Anti-depressants may help you, so might simpler/cheaper measures like getting more daylight and taking more exercise (is there a park you can walk in nearby?), or maybe not talking to your mother, or steering the concersation firmly away from difficult areas.

Please try something - anything - and good luck!

[floatingleaf.livejournal.com]

First of all, thanks for commenting. I really appreciate your concern.

Second of all, I am assuming you haven't read my previous posts which might have made the situation clearer - but I feel the way I do for a very specific reason. My car broke down last week and I had to spend a ridiculous amount of money to fix it - which left me with practically no "safety margin" for any other unexpected expenses, should they occur. So that is why I am in need of another source of income (my salary covers rent, utility bills and food, but that's about it). And that's precisely what me & my mother were talking about. How I need to make up for the sudden money loss and forestall more nasty surprises like that in the future. Sadly enough, she is right. I am pretty sure that if someone walked up and handed me a few grand to solve the problem, this whole depression thing would be as good as gone.

So "seeking treatment" at this point would be not only premature, but, frankly, sort of counterproductive - considering that I need to actually EARN more money, instead of finding another way to spend. Yes, I do have health insurance, but it doesn't cover everything, and however little I would have to pay would still be to much, because right now I can't afford to spend a SINGLE DAMN PENNY on anything other than bare essentials. Which is precisely why I am feeling like crap. So, all things considered, finding some kind of a weekend job is probably the only viable form of "treatment" right now.

Plus, I don't really believe in focusing on the symptoms without at least trying to address the cause of the problem first - and in this case I know the cause pretty well, and I also know that antidepressants aren't going to remove it. It's way too cold for walks in the park right now, but I do exercise - and though it definitely makes me feel better on a purely physical level, it's not going to put money into my account. Not talking to my mother or avoiding difficult topics isn't going to solve the problem either (the fact that I've been avoiding the money topic for so long is probably what got me into this mess in the first place - at the very least, I should have gotten rid of the car before it became completely unreliable). In fact, I'm afraid I need to grow up and face my demons instead... which is, of course, very scary and also contributes to the shitty mood I'm in, but which I don't think I can - or should - avoid at this point. I just needed to vent, and this journal is a pretty good place to do it.;)

So wish me luck in finding a relatively easy way to make a few extra bucks on the side - and if, after that, I am still not feeling any better, then I promise I will consider seeking some help. Provided, of course, that I can afford it. C'est la vie... *sigh*