(no subject)

[floatingleaf]

I am in a very strange mood today. And there isn't really that much I can say to explain it... other than wondering over the disconcerting fact that somehow my ability to feel emotionally connected to people seems to be directly proportional to the increase of physical distance between us. In other words, I feel closest to those who are the farthest away. And it's almost dangerous for me to have the physical distance diminish - as though it were upsetting some kind of delicate emotional balance. I could give many examples of that throughout my life, it's not a fresh discovery or anything - it was just "brought home to me" yesterday, so to speak. Am I that afraid of my own feelings that I only allow them to get stronger if their "object" is fictional/unable to reciprocate them for whatever reason/"unavailable" for whatever reason/lives on another continent?... (etc.etc.etc. ad infinitum) Is it me, or is it fate?... It was always easier for me to make "long distance" friends than "real life" ones; and guess what happened when I finally - after YEARS of loneliness and constant letter-writing - had a group of close friends all living in the same city where I was?... I emigrated. Yep. Left everyone behind and started the long distance business all over again. Sometimes I'm totally slapped across the face by the cruel irony of it. As well as another irony - how those that used to drink and dance and talk endlessly with me less than five years ago don't even give a damn anymore whether I'm alive or dead, while those whose faces I've never seen (except maybe on photographs) keep getting closer and closer on some very deep emotional level. It seems as though I can only have two distinct kinds of friends: the "real life" ones, who never get too close emotionally (or if they do, some external force will pull us apart), and the long distance ones, who are so close emotionally that I can't bear to actually see them in "real life", because if I do, I just might fall helplessly in love. Quite a few examples of that throughout my life as well. Even from before I knew internet existed... lol. So I'm not wallowing in self pity or tearing my hair out - just observing a pattern here. In a very cool, detached, academic way. *snort* Like I said, I am in a very strange mood.

I'll get over it, I'm sure (whatever "it" means). I will see the upside and resume my regularly scheduled happy gushing over the flawless, indestructible fantasy world that means, well, the world to me. But for now, the border between fantasy and reality is just a little blurred, and I feel, well... unbalanced. So yeah... I don't think I actually should ever try to meet Viggo "in person", for example. That just might throw me in for such a loop as to keep going in circles forever... lol.

Anyway... I can't possibly get any more specific without becoming horribly indiscreet here (which I guess I already am anyway - I know, just one of my many faults), so I'm just gonna drop the topic dead... for whatever it's worth. Of course I could make a private post... but I'm already too addicted to the exhibitionistic nature of LiveJournal to actually see a point in that. Which is another funny thing in and of itself. Oh, I am just sick and twisted in so many ways.;D

On a completely different note - just to drag myself down from the clouds, so to speak - I was very right in my predictions concerning the job search situation. Yesterday morning, soon before I left for most of the day, I had a call from my favorite temp recruiter about an opportunity "close to home", starting "immediately". Then, when I got back in the evening, there was an email from some model casting agency, looking for a "site moderator". The job would basically consist of "removing inappropriate content" from the site, and they say they offer a "highly competitive salary", as well as the possibility to work from home. This actually sounded so good that I filled out the application. They are supposed to contact me "within two business days" - which means by next Tuesday. I can only hope that if anything comes out of it, I will know for sure by the end of the week - because otherwise I'm starting the job I am supposed to start on the 27th, and that's that. But whatever "highly competitive salary" means, I am sure it's more than $10.50 per hour - so I wouldn't mind if they actually called back. Well - I guess we'll see. But isn't it funny how the offers just keep multiplying now that I have been "booked"?... Irony of fate, I guess. *smirk*

Comments

[oceansecrets2.livejournal.com]

I know I never could have opened myself to the extent I have to so many new people in a face-to-face setting - I would have found a quiet corner to hide in and snuck away as soon as I safely could, because that's the way I am - or was. There's something to be said for the distance and anonymity of the internet that gave me the courage to join the discussion. And making that first transition from a virtual relationship to a "real" one - meeting an LJ friend in person - was a huge leap for me, but it was someone who had become so dear to me already (Ariel) and our connection was so instantaneously comfortable - as if we'd known each other for years (which we had!) that I was hooked. Each meeting with someone new became easier and easier and now I actively seek them whenever I can. Of course I'm still a tongue-tied idiot with anyone I don't have that on-line connection with (Viggo, for example! or strangers at a gathering from work), but I have to credit my time on-line for taking me out of myself as much as it's drawn me inward into the fantasy of it all.

I found that "no one wants me / everyone wants me" job dynamic to be very true in my husband's case too - he went nearly a year with nothing and then got half a dozen prospects within a matter of a few weeks. The model casting thing sounds...hmmn... I wonder what kind of 'inappropriate content' they have to worry about? But it's definitely worth checking out, I'd be careful about jumping ship too quickly though. Make sure you consider all the factors (benefits, security, the strength of the business itself) before you make a decision based just on hourly salary.

[floatingleaf.livejournal.com]

I know I never could have opened myself to the extent I have to so many new people in a face-to-face setting - I would have found a quiet corner to hide in and snuck away as soon as I safely could, because that's the way I am

Then we must have more in common than it would seem at first glance... lol. I see you as a very confident person, but that could be because I only get to see you in those comfortable "online connection" settings.;)

There's something to be said for the distance and anonymity of the internet that gave me the courage to join the discussion.

Absolutely. It is infinitely easier to open up to people without seeing their faces (or having them see yours, as it were) - and then, when you finally see them, it is also easier to overcome the initial uneasiness of meeting someone new, because you already have that mental connection. And it is a great comfort to be able to explore it "face to face" - no doubt about it. But there is also danger in that - at least for me. To put it bluntly, you are a heterosexual woman. I am not. The subtle line between female to female friendship/sisterhood and something deeper can get extremely fluid in my field of vision, so to speak. I have been through this countless times. It doesn't even take me by surprise anymore... lol. But that doesn't mean it's any easier to deal with when it happens. And the fact remains that I am hardly ever really attracted to someone I DON'T have a strong mental connection with. And because right now the strongest mental connections I form are those developed through the fandom... well, you can see the potential for getting burned in the process, can you not? Not that I ever regret meeting all those wonderful women in my life who made me suffer (quite unintentionally, I might add). In nine instances out of ten, it was worth it. Still, it is a sad paradox that I never meet such fascinating people when it is my conscious intention to find someone I could date. I only meet them accidentally, in different circumstances. Which possibly explains why I'm single most of the time... *sigh*

The model casting thing sounds...hmmn... I wonder what kind of 'inappropriate content' they have to worry about?

Actually, it's a modeling/acting database, and the email wasn't very specific - the only thing they mentioned was "stopping anyone from targetting minors on the site". They also mentioned a "real, long-term career", as well as medical, dental & vision insurance benefits though, so I was quite intrigued, in fact. Well, I hope they do get back to me in time to make a decision before the 27th. I definitely don't want to quit what I already have in favor of some vague promises and be left with nothing again... lol.

Ooof... that was possibly the longest comment in my LJ career.;) Except maybe for my comments on the Seven Deadly Sins. But that's "a whole another, and maybe we shouldn't talk about it" - to quote our favorite man. Wow, I am definitely in a weird mental state at the moment. Don't feel obliged to act as my shrink, though - sometimes letting things out helps in and of itself. So thank you for lending a sympathetic ear, so to speak (or eye in this case, I guess). *bows apologetically and leaves you alone to enjoy your weekend*

[oceansecrets2.livejournal.com]

I think I've learned to put on a confident front, but inside I'm quite often cringing - NOT at the get togethers we've had, or things like the retreat, because again those are the few people I'm comfortable with. And just because I'm het (though lately I think I'm turning into that androgynous hermaphrodite Viggo's so fond of mentioning) I completely understand I am hardly ever really attracted to someone I DON'T have a strong mental connection with, and being attracted to people it's hopeless to believe would ever return your interest, too. I hope it will not always be true in your case.

[floatingleaf.livejournal.com]

though lately I think I'm turning into that androgynous hermaphrodite Viggo's so fond of mentioning

Welcome to the club then.;) There are moments when I almost believe it's possible to be both a lesbian AND a gay man at the same time, in the same body (or rather in the same mind). Not a heterosexual person, though, strangely enough.:P I still don't see myself as that. Possibly because I hate conforming to the majority.;P