(no subject)
Nov. 17th, 2006 09:50 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
floatingleafI am in a very strange mood today. And there isn't really that much I can say to explain it... other than wondering over the disconcerting fact that somehow my ability to feel emotionally connected to people seems to be directly proportional to the increase of physical distance between us. In other words, I feel closest to those who are the farthest away. And it's almost dangerous for me to have the physical distance diminish - as though it were upsetting some kind of delicate emotional balance. I could give many examples of that throughout my life, it's not a fresh discovery or anything - it was just "brought home to me" yesterday, so to speak. Am I that afraid of my own feelings that I only allow them to get stronger if their "object" is fictional/unable to reciprocate them for whatever reason/"unavailable" for whatever reason/lives on another continent?... (etc.etc.etc. ad infinitum) Is it me, or is it fate?... It was always easier for me to make "long distance" friends than "real life" ones; and guess what happened when I finally - after YEARS of loneliness and constant letter-writing - had a group of close friends all living in the same city where I was?... I emigrated. Yep. Left everyone behind and started the long distance business all over again. Sometimes I'm totally slapped across the face by the cruel irony of it. As well as another irony - how those that used to drink and dance and talk endlessly with me less than five years ago don't even give a damn anymore whether I'm alive or dead, while those whose faces I've never seen (except maybe on photographs) keep getting closer and closer on some very deep emotional level. It seems as though I can only have two distinct kinds of friends: the "real life" ones, who never get too close emotionally (or if they do, some external force will pull us apart), and the long distance ones, who are so close emotionally that I can't bear to actually see them in "real life", because if I do, I just might fall helplessly in love. Quite a few examples of that throughout my life as well. Even from before I knew internet existed... lol. So I'm not wallowing in self pity or tearing my hair out - just observing a pattern here. In a very cool, detached, academic way. *snort* Like I said, I am in a very strange mood.
I'll get over it, I'm sure (whatever "it" means). I will see the upside and resume my regularly scheduled happy gushing over the flawless, indestructible fantasy world that means, well, the world to me. But for now, the border between fantasy and reality is just a little blurred, and I feel, well... unbalanced. So yeah... I don't think I actually should ever try to meet Viggo "in person", for example. That just might throw me in for such a loop as to keep going in circles forever... lol.
Anyway... I can't possibly get any more specific without becoming horribly indiscreet here (which I guess I already am anyway - I know, just one of my many faults), so I'm just gonna drop the topic dead... for whatever it's worth. Of course I could make a private post... but I'm already too addicted to the exhibitionistic nature of LiveJournal to actually see a point in that. Which is another funny thing in and of itself. Oh, I am just sick and twisted in so many ways.;D
On a completely different note - just to drag myself down from the clouds, so to speak - I was very right in my predictions concerning the job search situation. Yesterday morning, soon before I left for most of the day, I had a call from my favorite temp recruiter about an opportunity "close to home", starting "immediately". Then, when I got back in the evening, there was an email from some model casting agency, looking for a "site moderator". The job would basically consist of "removing inappropriate content" from the site, and they say they offer a "highly competitive salary", as well as the possibility to work from home. This actually sounded so good that I filled out the application. They are supposed to contact me "within two business days" - which means by next Tuesday. I can only hope that if anything comes out of it, I will know for sure by the end of the week - because otherwise I'm starting the job I am supposed to start on the 27th, and that's that. But whatever "highly competitive salary" means, I am sure it's more than $10.50 per hour - so I wouldn't mind if they actually called back. Well - I guess we'll see. But isn't it funny how the offers just keep multiplying now that I have been "booked"?... Irony of fate, I guess. *smirk*
I'll get over it, I'm sure (whatever "it" means). I will see the upside and resume my regularly scheduled happy gushing over the flawless, indestructible fantasy world that means, well, the world to me. But for now, the border between fantasy and reality is just a little blurred, and I feel, well... unbalanced. So yeah... I don't think I actually should ever try to meet Viggo "in person", for example. That just might throw me in for such a loop as to keep going in circles forever... lol.
Anyway... I can't possibly get any more specific without becoming horribly indiscreet here (which I guess I already am anyway - I know, just one of my many faults), so I'm just gonna drop the topic dead... for whatever it's worth. Of course I could make a private post... but I'm already too addicted to the exhibitionistic nature of LiveJournal to actually see a point in that. Which is another funny thing in and of itself. Oh, I am just sick and twisted in so many ways.;D
On a completely different note - just to drag myself down from the clouds, so to speak - I was very right in my predictions concerning the job search situation. Yesterday morning, soon before I left for most of the day, I had a call from my favorite temp recruiter about an opportunity "close to home", starting "immediately". Then, when I got back in the evening, there was an email from some model casting agency, looking for a "site moderator". The job would basically consist of "removing inappropriate content" from the site, and they say they offer a "highly competitive salary", as well as the possibility to work from home. This actually sounded so good that I filled out the application. They are supposed to contact me "within two business days" - which means by next Tuesday. I can only hope that if anything comes out of it, I will know for sure by the end of the week - because otherwise I'm starting the job I am supposed to start on the 27th, and that's that. But whatever "highly competitive salary" means, I am sure it's more than $10.50 per hour - so I wouldn't mind if they actually called back. Well - I guess we'll see. But isn't it funny how the offers just keep multiplying now that I have been "booked"?... Irony of fate, I guess. *smirk*
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(no subject)
Date: 2006-11-19 03:28 am (UTC)Welcome to the club then.;) There are moments when I almost believe it's possible to be both a lesbian AND a gay man at the same time, in the same body (or rather in the same mind). Not a heterosexual person, though, strangely enough.:P I still don't see myself as that. Possibly because I hate conforming to the majority.;P