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floatingleaf We went to see dad's gastrologist today. And guess what? His gallbladder is chock-full of stones. Which totally explains everything - but we no longer thought this was the case, because no one ever called him back with the results of the gallbladder test, which was done back in February. As it turns out, the reason we're only finding out about this now is that this particular doctor is so busy, he doesn't even get to look at a patient's results until weeks after the previous appointment. People wait weeks, sometimes months to see him. Today there was a two-hour delay in the waiting room, because he had some surgical emergency to deal with in the morning. Anyway... the gallbladder has to go, but they must do a colonoscopy first, since dad never had it done and the stones might have caused problems in the lower intestine too. He's probably had those stones for decades. I mean, certain foods always seemed to disagree with him - but lately he's been feeling like crap after eating pretty much anything at all. At least now we know why - since the gallbladder doesn't work properly, his body is being poisoned each time he eats. Hence the abdominal pain, dizziness, headaches, even the occasional brief loss of consciousness. Of course, he might also have some unrelated neurological issues (the follow-up neurologist appointment after the detailed EEG test he had done is next Monday) - but if not, then the gallbladder stones by themselves totally justify all his symptoms. So, hopefully, once they are removed, he will be more or less well once again. Yay. *breathes*
As for mom, she doesn't need surgery. Not at this point, anyway. She is just supposed to do some exercises and avoid heavy lifting and stuff. So yay as well. Except she might not follow the doctor's instructions, because 1) she doesn't trust doctors in general, and 2) she simply doesn't know how to slow down. The expression "take it easy" doesn't exist in her vocabulary. Moreover, in her world, everyone who does take it easy, for whatever reason, is just selfish, irresponsible and a slacker. Today she argued with my dad again, over the same old issue: he says she has to slow down, work less and take better care of herself; she says that she can't, because they need the money she makes; he says money is less important than health; she says that if HE wasn't home on sick leave, SHE wouldn't have to work so hard anymore. So here we are again, back on the everlasting guilt-trip. She is making him feel guilty for being ill, for not having the kind of mental and/or physical endurance that she seems to have (or pretends to have, really, at the cost of her own health) etc. She doesn't seem to understand that when he tells her to slow down, he is simply concerned about her - no, he is being unreasonable, inconsiderate and a slacker. Oh, and of course she didn't forgo to mention that alas, I take after him.:/ I am SO TIRED of hearing this all my life, I just... GAHHH. I mean, I KNOW she doesn't do it deliberately to make us feel guilty (at least not on a conscious level), I know she REALLY believes that somehow she MUST make up for our shortcomings - but being constantly accused of not giving a shit just because we don't want to see her die trying to carry the universe on her back is just... so crippling. *bangs head against the wall* Yes, we could always use the money, but that's not the POINT; the point is even if we were all making ten times more than we do, she would STILL believe she needs to work as hard as she possibly can, just to save up for some hypothetical future disaster that might or might not possibly happen. See what I mean? She thrives on inventing possible misfortunes and trying to avert them by making more money; she probably couldn't sleep at night if she ever took a vacation or something, because she would constantly imagine the sky falling down due to her terrible neglect. I am not exaggerating; that's really how she is. I am aware she probably can't help it, just like either I or dad can't help being the way we are. I really feel bad for her, because I don't think she will ever understand or accept our point of view. But the guilt trip is wearing me down so much, I can only feel the compassion if she's not making any judgmental comments at the moment. Once she gets on her high moral stool, I just clamp my mouth shut and BREATHE, and count to ten in my head, and think PLEASE GOD DON'T MAKE ME SNAP AT HER FOR HEAVEN'S SAKE. I just... CAN'T. I never asked her to make some tremendous sacrifices for me, and I refuse to feel guilty and inferior for the rest of my life just because I am NOT a superwoman and want to actually have FUN sometimes, instead of just constantly thinking of making MORE MONEY, because SOMETHING BAD MIGHT HAPPEN. Guess what? If it's meant to happen, it will happen anyway, and no amount of savings will avert it. Maybe we should all just commit suicide right now - that would solve all hypothetical future problems, wouldn't it? Of course, you can't say that to her - that only proves how ungrateful, thoughtless and disrespectful you are. In addition to selfish and lazy and all the other bad stuff you had the rotten luck to inherit from your good-for-nothing joke of a father. Okay, she never actually phrased it like that - it's just me reading between the lines - but yeah... you get the picture. Sometimes I SO wish they'd divorced years ago like they wanted to - why endure the torture till death do us part? Unless, on some level, they masochistically enjoy it, of course. Oh, the sanctity of dysfunctional marriage bliss. *headdesk*
Okay... sorry. I just needed to let it out. *breathes* It's been a tiring day after a mostly sleepless night and I am feeling emotionally fragile at the moment. If any further proof is needed, here's a little poem I wrote last night. The first poem I've written in years, I might add:
peace of mind
such a fragile thing
so easily destroyed
by joy or sorrow
my heart
a temple of memories
a distant star
in a vastness of space
always in orbit
circling the unreachable
tonight my soul is expanding
the moon is full
and all the women I ever loved
are oceans away
So. Here's my current state of mind, brought to you by certain recent events. I've made an interesting personal discovery: yes, you CAN be thirty-nine and still suddenly find yourself feeling (and acting) like an emo teen. The heart never grows old and all that crap. I guess I could say it's good I can still surprise myself - but I'm not actually surprised, to be honest. This is so ME it's not even funny anymore - I just kind of managed to convince myself it's never going to happen again, because I'm so WISE and MATURE now and blahblahblah. Yeah, riiiight. *sporfle*
Also, I have a bunch of sinfully delicious comments to respond to, which might or might not be related to the above (ha! being cryptic is SOOO mature too!... *giggles inanely*) - but right now the only thing I can think of is SLEEP. Like, about 10 hours of it. Will be back when my brain returns to some semblance of a normal working order. *collapses*
As for mom, she doesn't need surgery. Not at this point, anyway. She is just supposed to do some exercises and avoid heavy lifting and stuff. So yay as well. Except she might not follow the doctor's instructions, because 1) she doesn't trust doctors in general, and 2) she simply doesn't know how to slow down. The expression "take it easy" doesn't exist in her vocabulary. Moreover, in her world, everyone who does take it easy, for whatever reason, is just selfish, irresponsible and a slacker. Today she argued with my dad again, over the same old issue: he says she has to slow down, work less and take better care of herself; she says that she can't, because they need the money she makes; he says money is less important than health; she says that if HE wasn't home on sick leave, SHE wouldn't have to work so hard anymore. So here we are again, back on the everlasting guilt-trip. She is making him feel guilty for being ill, for not having the kind of mental and/or physical endurance that she seems to have (or pretends to have, really, at the cost of her own health) etc. She doesn't seem to understand that when he tells her to slow down, he is simply concerned about her - no, he is being unreasonable, inconsiderate and a slacker. Oh, and of course she didn't forgo to mention that alas, I take after him.:/ I am SO TIRED of hearing this all my life, I just... GAHHH. I mean, I KNOW she doesn't do it deliberately to make us feel guilty (at least not on a conscious level), I know she REALLY believes that somehow she MUST make up for our shortcomings - but being constantly accused of not giving a shit just because we don't want to see her die trying to carry the universe on her back is just... so crippling. *bangs head against the wall* Yes, we could always use the money, but that's not the POINT; the point is even if we were all making ten times more than we do, she would STILL believe she needs to work as hard as she possibly can, just to save up for some hypothetical future disaster that might or might not possibly happen. See what I mean? She thrives on inventing possible misfortunes and trying to avert them by making more money; she probably couldn't sleep at night if she ever took a vacation or something, because she would constantly imagine the sky falling down due to her terrible neglect. I am not exaggerating; that's really how she is. I am aware she probably can't help it, just like either I or dad can't help being the way we are. I really feel bad for her, because I don't think she will ever understand or accept our point of view. But the guilt trip is wearing me down so much, I can only feel the compassion if she's not making any judgmental comments at the moment. Once she gets on her high moral stool, I just clamp my mouth shut and BREATHE, and count to ten in my head, and think PLEASE GOD DON'T MAKE ME SNAP AT HER FOR HEAVEN'S SAKE. I just... CAN'T. I never asked her to make some tremendous sacrifices for me, and I refuse to feel guilty and inferior for the rest of my life just because I am NOT a superwoman and want to actually have FUN sometimes, instead of just constantly thinking of making MORE MONEY, because SOMETHING BAD MIGHT HAPPEN. Guess what? If it's meant to happen, it will happen anyway, and no amount of savings will avert it. Maybe we should all just commit suicide right now - that would solve all hypothetical future problems, wouldn't it? Of course, you can't say that to her - that only proves how ungrateful, thoughtless and disrespectful you are. In addition to selfish and lazy and all the other bad stuff you had the rotten luck to inherit from your good-for-nothing joke of a father. Okay, she never actually phrased it like that - it's just me reading between the lines - but yeah... you get the picture. Sometimes I SO wish they'd divorced years ago like they wanted to - why endure the torture till death do us part? Unless, on some level, they masochistically enjoy it, of course. Oh, the sanctity of dysfunctional marriage bliss. *headdesk*
Okay... sorry. I just needed to let it out. *breathes* It's been a tiring day after a mostly sleepless night and I am feeling emotionally fragile at the moment. If any further proof is needed, here's a little poem I wrote last night. The first poem I've written in years, I might add:
peace of mind
such a fragile thing
so easily destroyed
by joy or sorrow
my heart
a temple of memories
a distant star
in a vastness of space
always in orbit
circling the unreachable
tonight my soul is expanding
the moon is full
and all the women I ever loved
are oceans away
So. Here's my current state of mind, brought to you by certain recent events. I've made an interesting personal discovery: yes, you CAN be thirty-nine and still suddenly find yourself feeling (and acting) like an emo teen. The heart never grows old and all that crap. I guess I could say it's good I can still surprise myself - but I'm not actually surprised, to be honest. This is so ME it's not even funny anymore - I just kind of managed to convince myself it's never going to happen again, because I'm so WISE and MATURE now and blahblahblah. Yeah, riiiight. *sporfle*
Also, I have a bunch of sinfully delicious comments to respond to, which might or might not be related to the above (ha! being cryptic is SOOO mature too!... *giggles inanely*) - but right now the only thing I can think of is SLEEP. Like, about 10 hours of it. Will be back when my brain returns to some semblance of a normal working order. *collapses*
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(no subject)
Date: 2010-04-01 02:29 am (UTC)Aboout your mother..I´m sorry she creates this feelings in you and also that she would not listen to advise to slow down. I don´t know - some people just don´t have that need perhaps, or identifying so completely with their work for example that they would feel lost without that role to play. I know it must be frustrating to not share the same approach to life, when it becomes a ground for conflict within the family. =/
¤
Wow.. the poem *reads it over and over while clutching heart* -it´s amazingly beautiful vulnerable and intrigueing.
I´m so glad your poetry-muse has awoken! Maybe it´s the full moon unleashing the emo teen =D
*adds cryptic side to list of possible astrological influences*
(no subject)
Date: 2010-04-03 12:30 am (UTC)Well, not that soon, unfortunately, because they've told us that he will have to wait about TWO MONTHS for the colonoscopy results (it will be performed by the same doctor who is so terribly busy). So the surgery will probably happen sometime in July, if not later. He still has to suffer until then.:(
identifying so completely with their work for example that they would feel lost without that role to play
I think she has a martyr complex, and this is the role she identifies with. If she put her own needs first, she would suddenly become one of those unworthy, selfish people that she so strongly disapproves of, and she could no longer feel so superior to the rest of us. Perhaps this sounds harsh, and I'm sure she's not doing it "on purpose" - but her impossibly high standards make it very difficult to have a close, honest, accepting relationship with her. I admit I stopped trying very long ago. *sigh*
I'm very glad you liked my poem.:) And yes - the full moon might have played a small part in its creation, too.:D
(no subject)
Date: 2010-04-03 10:02 pm (UTC)Oh.. mothers with martyr complexes.. I think the world sadly is full of those. Hopefully it´s an issue belonging mostly to (or at least rooted strongly in) a few generations of women who has succumbed to bitterness over how their lives they never really dared to dream of also never really came to be. Or carrying the burden of not daring to break free from conventions.
Maybe the bitterness is an identity that comes with even more fear of what could and would happen if they let go of it. I mean, they can cling to the high standards that nobody´s going to live up to, and they´re probably constantly getting very disappointed by all who can´t live up to them. Convenient too, because that way they would also not have to bother re-evaluating their standards but simply maintain them since everyone automatically is going to feel "lesser" for no reason at all.
It doesn´t make it easy for people around trying to understand them I guess. And it is hard when it´s a parent projecting those feelings. We are after all somehow insnared in the bond of complex parent&child love.
I hope one day she´ll be able to connect to you outside of her standards..
(no subject)
Date: 2010-04-04 03:50 am (UTC)I don't know. Looking for another doctor now would probably involve additional expenses, additional paperwork and even more delay. Besides, this doctor is very good, and I think dad wants to stick to him regardless. Being treated by someone you can trust to give you a correct diagnosis is not a given.:/
they can cling to the high standards that nobody´s going to live up to, and they´re probably constantly getting very disappointed by all who can´t live up to them
Exactly. Setting themselves up for a life of disappointment. *sigh*
It doesn´t make it easy for people around trying to understand them I guess.
It's not that I don't understand her, in a way - it's just that I feel like she can't ever possibly understand ME enough to just let me be myself, without trying to "improve" me somehow. I know she means well, but it drives me nuts and pushes me away - and then she resents the fact that I don't seem grateful for her efforts. *sigh*
I hope one day she´ll be able to connect to you outside of her standards
The thing is, I'm afraid I no longer care if she does. All I want is to have a relatively stress-free life - and she has always been the main stress-contributor for me on many levels.:/ So I think I'd rather miss out on something good by staying away than risk making the bad worse by trying to establish a connection. Sad but true.:/
(no subject)
Date: 2010-04-03 10:12 pm (UTC)*is ded*
(no subject)
Date: 2010-04-04 04:03 am (UTC)*stares shamelessly for a while*
You don't think my brain is pornified enough by now?...;P
(no subject)
Date: 2010-04-05 01:24 pm (UTC)*innocent look* enough? nah.. should be the regular state of mind for any girl really.. Good for the hormons´n all.