that was inevitable, I guess

[floatingleaf]

I'm back. It's been an intense trip, for several reasons, and I'm sort of having a hard time figuring out what to say about it. I could just focus on the positives - but that wouldn't feel entirely honest, and this journal has always been THE place where I could be honest about pretty much anything. I don't want that to change. But I don't want to sound negative either - that would be unfair, and also dishonest, in a way. And I don't want to sound ridiculously cryptic - because if I'm gonna do that, I might just as well not post at all.

Maybe I need some time to sort through all those conflicting emotions before I even attempt a recap. Or maybe it's enough to say that online compatibility isn't quite the same thing as "real life" compatibility, and some friendships function better without crossing that line. Or perhaps the ease of online interactions has the unfortunate side effect of raising the bar impossibly high when it comes to our expectations of RL encounters. Even when we think we're being realistic.

See, that sounded negative. But I can't make a happy post just now. I probably can't even make a fair, objective one, because I am engaging a considerable effort of will in order to keep my mood from a massive downward plunge. I am sure the crisis will pass eventually, like others did before it. But I need time to adjust to these new perceptions, and I think I'd rather stay quiet on here for a bit than put the precarious emotional balance in peril by wallowing in it. Time will tell if I am overreacting again, I suppose...

Comments

[elven-ranger.livejournal.com]

Welcome back! And don't worry about being negative- it's your LJ, and, hell, most of my posts are at the moment...

[floatingleaf.livejournal.com]

The reason I didn't want to sound too negative was because the person I am referring to could read this. It didn't seem particularly likely that she would, but still possible...

[meathiel]

Oh no ... I'm so sorry! *big hugs*

[floatingleaf.livejournal.com]

Thank you. *hugs back*

[tindomerel.livejournal.com]

Hmm... Expectations sometimes do this, I suppose. But it's confusing and strange and how would we ever know for sure where the line goes without crossing it?

[floatingleaf.livejournal.com]

You're right - I never expected there would be any discrepancy between how we get along online and in "real life". I don't think I've ever had it happen to such an extent with other online acquaintances before... *sigh*

[cloudsinvenice]

I find it can be very surreal meeting someone in person that you're very connected to online; there's a massive cognitive dissonance on some occasions, and on othets strangely none at all, and there seems to be no reliable predictor of which one it'll be. I think part of it is that communication style varies so profoundly between mediums (and for both parties) that you've got one person in your head, but are interacting with another, and it can take time, exposure and reflection to fully process the overlap.

<3

[floatingleaf.livejournal.com]

It wasn't so much a case of having a non-existent person in your head, as it was a case of misperception about how we would get along. In short, she seemed very disappointed, because I lack certain qualities she looks for in RL friends...

Btw, my VC_Media participation might be very limited for the time being. I don't want to abandon the fandom completely, but I just don't feel comfortable hanging around the same online spaces at the moment... (for a better explanation of why, see my latest post) Just thought I'd let you know. I'm sure you'll understand...

[cloudsinvenice]

Just got home and wanted to come back to this, because earlier I read it and went straight to your newer post and commented there.

I totally understand about VC Media - the fandom is never more important than the people in it. <3 Also, re: Tumblr, there is a function that lets you mute a user/not see their posts, and add-pns like Tumblr Saviour and Xkit which can help you avoid reblogs, refetences etc. I'm more than happy to help with anything like that; I know it's hard enough to have a friendship end without losing mutual spaces a well.

[floatingleaf.livejournal.com]

Thank you so much for offering help... but I think right now I just need a break from it all. Looking at Tumblr and any VC-related stuff there would still make me think of her, even if I managed to avoid her posts. I would just keep wondering what I'm NOT seeing... *sigh*

I'm still torn about VCM. I think I will continue to lurk and read people's fic/drabbles... but that's probably as far as it will go. Or maybe I'll just stick to browsing the archives. Which was basically the extent of my fandom activity before I met her...