another Random Angsty Rant (TM)

[floatingleaf]

So... it's August already. How on earth did that happen?... I honestly don't know what becomes of one week, and then the next, and then the next... It's scary, when I actually stop to think about it. I almost want to get laid off already, so I actually have time to think and decide what to do next - but then, I am very afraid of not having a steady source of income for more than a few weeks. My savings are not what they used to be the last time they laid me off - to put it mildly. So of course my anxiety level about it is much higher now. At the same time, I feel increasingly sick and tired of getting up at 7 a.m. every day and being gone until at least 7 p.m. And spending roughly two hours a day in traffic. Do I really want another silly office job like that?... But then, if not, what other options do I have?... What can I do that will allow me to work from home, at least part of the week, earn my keeping and NOT involve having to call strangers on the phone?... My mind draws a blank here. And I really want to vomit when I think of being stuck in the same old eight-to-five (or nine-to-six), Monday-to-Friday rut until I'm sixty (or seventy, considering I might not be able to afford to retire any earlier than that - if at all). Of course, I'd love to just stay home, buried under a pile of books, and read/write/translate. But that won't feed me or pay my rent. At least not for the first few years of dabbling in it - if ever. But then, WHEN do I even TRY to dabble in it, as long as I'm lost to the despicable drag-yourself-out-of-bed, get-to-work, stay-there-all-day, get-back-home-through-the-worst-of- traffic, make-dinner, eat, check-email-and-flist-really-quickly, (hopefully) exercise, read-a-few-pages-of-whatever-makes-it-all-worthwhile, go-to-bed routine?... It makes me feel like banging my head against the wall. It's a bit too early for me to be going through some sort of midlife crisis, isn't it?... But I'm just so FRUSTRATED by the futility, pointlessness and inevitability of it all. And angry at myself for being a miserable coward, who can't take the risks & responsibilites of starting my own business (as a translator, for example - like my publisher-friend suggests I could do). I just don't feel up to it; I know nothing about finances (could never grasp them, despite having worked for over two years at a mortgage company), I hate 'promoting' myself or talking to people, I am basically a cave-woman when it comes to public relations, lol. I would never make it without someone else to take care of the whole organizational side, while I am allowed to just burrow under my stack of dictionaries and do the only thing I'm good at. It just wouldn't work. And yet, I feel like my life is slipping away, while I'm stuck barely making a living doing something that's merely tolerable - a lesser evil (all my jobs so far were exactly that - except for those that were the greater evil, LOL). And I feel like I'm too old to keep doing that anymore. But I don't see a way out that doesn't involve getting way out of my depth, so to speak. It's like a trap, a vicious circle that will roll with me down the hill, all the way to the grave. Because time is merciless and won't wait till I get my act together. So here I am, endlessly wavering between wistfulness, fear and regret...

Ooofff. Sorry for the angst-bomb, folks. I don't know what came over me today. I just wish I had an idea what to expect from life in the next few months. I wish they would give us a set lay-off date already. I wish I knew what I really want to do after that happens and how to go about it (or how to make 'want' and 'can' come together). I wish I had some rich relative who would die suddenly and leave me a fortune. But then, I don't keep in touch with my relatives (all they want to know about me is when I'm going to get married, and that sort of information isn't forthcoming anytime soon, lol), so an inheritance wouldn't be likely anyway. I wish I lived in a time and place where money, rent, bills, jobs & lay-offs don't exist. I wish...

OK. Enough is enough. I vented. I feel marginally better. I can wind down now. Back to the grind tomorrow... *grits teeth*

Comments

[stormatdusk.livejournal.com]

like my life is slipping away, while I'm stuck barely making a living doing something that's merely tolerable - a lesser evil (all my jobs so far were exactly that - except for those that were the greater evil, LOL). And I feel like I'm too old to keep doing that anymore. But I don't see a way out that doesn't involve getting way out of my depth, so to speak. It's like a trap, a vicious circle that will roll with me down the hill, all the way to the grave. Because time is merciless and won't wait till I get my act together. So here I am, endlessly wavering between wistfulness, fear and regret...

i hear you, i do. that feeling is often in the back of my head, and sometimes in the foreground, and it's debilitating at times. i don't have the solution.

do you know slashfairy? ever heard of Despair Work by Joanna Macy? slashfairy has transcribed and posted it at her journal. it doesn't (seemingly) address exactly the junk we're talking about here, but i find it helpful at times, i really do. just a thought. xo

[floatingleaf.livejournal.com]

Now I feel somehow selfishly relieved I'm not the only one.;)

The name "slashfairy" sounds familiar, though I don't think I've ever interacted with her on a personal basis. At any rate, thanks for the link. Will certainly check it out.:)