news I should be happy about, I suppose
Aug. 28th, 2009 07:20 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
floatingleafI went to see my parents last weekend, and was informed that they finally managed to pay off their house. Which is definitely good news. It didn't seem likely for a while that this would ever happen, so I am really happy for them. They love that house, and worked themselves silly for years just to keep it. However, now that this one big project is off the agenda, my mother decided that it is time for ME to buy an apartment. She has been trying to talk me into it for a while now, and I have been patienly repeating to her that, 1) I HAVE NO MONEY, 2) I do NOT want to change my job (and there isn't that much of a chance for finding a better-paying one right now anyway). I KNOW that housing is cheaper now than ever before - but that still doesn't mean it is cheap enough for someone who makes $22,500 a year. I just CAN'T afford to pay more than $600 a month - and the lowest monthly mortgage payment I have ever seen or heard of is somewhere between $700-800. Let alone that I don't have enough for a downpayment. These basic facts have not changed since the last time we had this conversation. However, last Sunday my mother happily announced that now she no longer has to pay the mortgage, she can start saving some money for my downpayment. And there is this wonderfully smart realtor lady, recommended by my aunt, whom she wants me to call for a consultation. And then, once I start looking at apartments, I should take notes, so I don't forget what I liked or disliked about each one etc.etc.etc.
Oh, and by the way, this should all happen within a year or so, because there is no telling when the prices might start going up again. So, considering the fact that the annual lease on my current place of residence expires at the end of February, it should probably happen within the next six months. Great. No problem. Thanks for the heads up. *grits teeth*
I do appreciate the concern and the offer of help. It's just that, yet again, grave decisions about my life have been made above my head and then announced to me with total finality and a classic 'see, where would you be without me' attitude. And while I might have just sighed and accepted it at the age of 15 (which is when my mother filed the immigration petition for me, without ever mentioning it to me first, let alone asking my opinion on it), it sort of rankles now. I know she's always done what she firmly believed was the best for me - but isn't it high time to let me live my own life, make my own mistakes?... Yes, there might come a time when I would regret not buying my own place now, while the prices are low - but getting myself into a very long-term, very high-interest loan (which is the only kind that might possibly be within my reach) at the current penniless stage in my life doesn't seem like the safest solution either. I have serious misgivings about it. Besides, I feel like I have just recently settled into my rented studio, and I simply DON'T WANT to leave it. I LOVE the place. And the thought of another move anytime soon literally fills me with dread. I mean, now that I actually own several heavy pieces of furniture and so much other stuff, it would be more of a hassle than I want to think about. Let alone that any apartment within my financial means would probably need serious renovations, and it would be MY responsibility as the owner to take care of that. "Oh, don't worry about that, we will help you", my parents had said, waving their hands dismissively. As if it was all small potatoes. And maybe, to them, it is. As for me, I am utterly overwhelmed right now and I just... DON'T. WANT. TO DEAL with any of it.
But the most ironic part is that I WILL have to deal with it, simply because I KNOW my mother won't get off my case until I do it. She will keep mentioning it every time we talk, and as soon as I say I hadn't done anything so far, the entire lecture (which I already know by heart) will launch itself yet again. And there are only so many times I can pretend I didn't hear the phone.
To anyone reading this who wishes they had such wonderfully supportive parents, I apologize. I am grateful to them, honestly. I just have this sinking feeling they're never going to treat me like an adult. Is it because I'm never going to marry and have children? Does that make me immature?... Or is it the fact that I'm OK with having a low-paid, undemanding job and living in a shabby, rented apartment? Because, according to my mother, I should want more from life?... But, strangely enough, I don't. So shoot me. All I really want is some basic comforts (like a roof over my head, a bed to sleep on, a bathroom with hot water and some privacy), peace and quiet. And the freedom to make my own decisions and take my time thinking them over. Outrageous, isn't it?
There is a darker side to it, too. I am already way too much indebted for my liking when it comes to my parents, and I am not comfortable taking any more money from them. I know they offer it freely, but there's a catch - the very fact that I have accepted their help, financial and otherwise, on numerous occasions, somehow gives them the right to still orchestrate my life for me. And my mother thrives on it. And, were I to reject the offer, she'd be so emotionally wounded I don't think I could cope with the guilt. And that, perversely, makes me angry, because guilt is the strongest emotion she's ever been able to cause me to feel. Far stronger than love, to be honest. Ever since I can remember. There was always something inherently wrong about pretty much anything I said or did, or didn't - and the growing confusion and resentment I had felt as a child gradually eradicated any traces of genuine affection I might have had for her. I'm pretty sure they were gone by the time I hit puberty. Which, of course, made the guilt even worse, because I always knew the only thing she wanted in exchange for everything she ever did for me was true love and affection. The only thing I wasn't capable of giving, because it simply wasn't there. I faked it, of course, out of guilt and pity. I still do. But, unfortunately, I don't have much of an acting talent, and I fear I'm not very convincing. The only reason she 'buys' it to an extent is because she desperately wants to believe it. And I feel like a heartless bitch when I make my poor, half-asssed efforts to fake it - and even more of a heartless bitch when I don't. Sometimes I wish she wasn't trying quite so hard - because then I wouldn't have to feel quite so guilty. And it wouldn't be quite so easy for her to pressure me into doing almost anything she thinks I should do - just to divert her attention from the big red flashing sign inside my brain that says LEAVE ME ALONE. So there it is - my dark secret. I guess it had to spill out onto these pages some day, in all its dirty glory. If anyone is still reading at this point, and feels disturbed - I apologize again. I am not trying to shock potential readers. I am just being brutally honest, because sometimes you HAVE to - and if not here, then where?... Surely not during a Sunday dinner at my parents' house, where I will simply paste on a smile and look out the window when my mother triumphantly announces: "So now you're starting to look for an apartment" - no matter that I hadn't actually said anything to that effect so far. After all, my affirmation was irrelevant - it had all been decided before I even heard about it. Maybe there's still a chance of turning me into an acceptable daughter, after all.
Disclaimer: I may have been intentionally, viciously sarcastic in this post. I may have been unfair. But I needed to let it out. My mother will never read this. Even if she somehow mysteriously found out about this journal, her English is far from good enough to understand. So my dark secret is safe here. And to all my dear flisters who happen to be mothers themselves and may feel offended by my attitude, I can only say that I'm sure it takes plenty of courage to become a mother - more courage than I will ever have, knowing how easily it can all go wrong, despite everyone's best intentions. I hope you never feel the way I do - and if you 'don't get' where I'm coming from, then I'm really happy for you, because that probably means you're doing perfectly fine.:)
Oh, and by the way, this should all happen within a year or so, because there is no telling when the prices might start going up again. So, considering the fact that the annual lease on my current place of residence expires at the end of February, it should probably happen within the next six months. Great. No problem. Thanks for the heads up. *grits teeth*
I do appreciate the concern and the offer of help. It's just that, yet again, grave decisions about my life have been made above my head and then announced to me with total finality and a classic 'see, where would you be without me' attitude. And while I might have just sighed and accepted it at the age of 15 (which is when my mother filed the immigration petition for me, without ever mentioning it to me first, let alone asking my opinion on it), it sort of rankles now. I know she's always done what she firmly believed was the best for me - but isn't it high time to let me live my own life, make my own mistakes?... Yes, there might come a time when I would regret not buying my own place now, while the prices are low - but getting myself into a very long-term, very high-interest loan (which is the only kind that might possibly be within my reach) at the current penniless stage in my life doesn't seem like the safest solution either. I have serious misgivings about it. Besides, I feel like I have just recently settled into my rented studio, and I simply DON'T WANT to leave it. I LOVE the place. And the thought of another move anytime soon literally fills me with dread. I mean, now that I actually own several heavy pieces of furniture and so much other stuff, it would be more of a hassle than I want to think about. Let alone that any apartment within my financial means would probably need serious renovations, and it would be MY responsibility as the owner to take care of that. "Oh, don't worry about that, we will help you", my parents had said, waving their hands dismissively. As if it was all small potatoes. And maybe, to them, it is. As for me, I am utterly overwhelmed right now and I just... DON'T. WANT. TO DEAL with any of it.
But the most ironic part is that I WILL have to deal with it, simply because I KNOW my mother won't get off my case until I do it. She will keep mentioning it every time we talk, and as soon as I say I hadn't done anything so far, the entire lecture (which I already know by heart) will launch itself yet again. And there are only so many times I can pretend I didn't hear the phone.
To anyone reading this who wishes they had such wonderfully supportive parents, I apologize. I am grateful to them, honestly. I just have this sinking feeling they're never going to treat me like an adult. Is it because I'm never going to marry and have children? Does that make me immature?... Or is it the fact that I'm OK with having a low-paid, undemanding job and living in a shabby, rented apartment? Because, according to my mother, I should want more from life?... But, strangely enough, I don't. So shoot me. All I really want is some basic comforts (like a roof over my head, a bed to sleep on, a bathroom with hot water and some privacy), peace and quiet. And the freedom to make my own decisions and take my time thinking them over. Outrageous, isn't it?
There is a darker side to it, too. I am already way too much indebted for my liking when it comes to my parents, and I am not comfortable taking any more money from them. I know they offer it freely, but there's a catch - the very fact that I have accepted their help, financial and otherwise, on numerous occasions, somehow gives them the right to still orchestrate my life for me. And my mother thrives on it. And, were I to reject the offer, she'd be so emotionally wounded I don't think I could cope with the guilt. And that, perversely, makes me angry, because guilt is the strongest emotion she's ever been able to cause me to feel. Far stronger than love, to be honest. Ever since I can remember. There was always something inherently wrong about pretty much anything I said or did, or didn't - and the growing confusion and resentment I had felt as a child gradually eradicated any traces of genuine affection I might have had for her. I'm pretty sure they were gone by the time I hit puberty. Which, of course, made the guilt even worse, because I always knew the only thing she wanted in exchange for everything she ever did for me was true love and affection. The only thing I wasn't capable of giving, because it simply wasn't there. I faked it, of course, out of guilt and pity. I still do. But, unfortunately, I don't have much of an acting talent, and I fear I'm not very convincing. The only reason she 'buys' it to an extent is because she desperately wants to believe it. And I feel like a heartless bitch when I make my poor, half-asssed efforts to fake it - and even more of a heartless bitch when I don't. Sometimes I wish she wasn't trying quite so hard - because then I wouldn't have to feel quite so guilty. And it wouldn't be quite so easy for her to pressure me into doing almost anything she thinks I should do - just to divert her attention from the big red flashing sign inside my brain that says LEAVE ME ALONE. So there it is - my dark secret. I guess it had to spill out onto these pages some day, in all its dirty glory. If anyone is still reading at this point, and feels disturbed - I apologize again. I am not trying to shock potential readers. I am just being brutally honest, because sometimes you HAVE to - and if not here, then where?... Surely not during a Sunday dinner at my parents' house, where I will simply paste on a smile and look out the window when my mother triumphantly announces: "So now you're starting to look for an apartment" - no matter that I hadn't actually said anything to that effect so far. After all, my affirmation was irrelevant - it had all been decided before I even heard about it. Maybe there's still a chance of turning me into an acceptable daughter, after all.
Disclaimer: I may have been intentionally, viciously sarcastic in this post. I may have been unfair. But I needed to let it out. My mother will never read this. Even if she somehow mysteriously found out about this journal, her English is far from good enough to understand. So my dark secret is safe here. And to all my dear flisters who happen to be mothers themselves and may feel offended by my attitude, I can only say that I'm sure it takes plenty of courage to become a mother - more courage than I will ever have, knowing how easily it can all go wrong, despite everyone's best intentions. I hope you never feel the way I do - and if you 'don't get' where I'm coming from, then I'm really happy for you, because that probably means you're doing perfectly fine.:)
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(no subject)
Date: 2009-08-30 05:22 am (UTC)you know, you can give her the reasons you told here: that you can't afford the mortgage, do not want to commit yourself to such a long-time debt, AND do not like to be indebted to her more than you are already
Oh, I have said all this. More than once. The most frustrating aspect of it is precisely the fact that I keep saying my thing, and then she keeps saying her thing - as though she never really heard me, or as though whatever I said did not matter. Her only possible response to my concerns seems to be: "Why are you being so stubborn?... I only want the best for you." It makes me feel so helpless and tired I usually just give up, so as not to prolong the torment, lol. If I had half the strength of will that she does, it would be a different story - but I don't believe in wasting too much energy on fighting the forces of nature.:P
But we will see. If I can't get a monthly payment below $600, I will not do it, no matter what. She can't force me, after all. But I will need a professional's confirmation that it can't be done, because, obviously, she won't take my word for it. *sigh*
(no subject)
Date: 2009-08-30 09:57 pm (UTC)Well, to be honest, it took me a few years of therapy to deal with standing up to my mother. And to my complete regret, in the end, she died before we could complete the process of separating and becoming close again. I loved her very much, and I still love her, miss her, too - but I had to fight pretty hard to keep my own business in my own hands when she was still alive. The same was true for me with my sisters. I had to close myself off from them pretty long until they finally accepted it when I told them to stay out of my own business. :)
As for wasting energy - forces of nature are one thing, but it is still your life, and you need to be happy with your choices. Which you can only do if they are *your* choices, not hers. In any case, I wish you luck! :)
(no subject)
Date: 2009-08-31 12:17 am (UTC)I did some therapy too, and of course it ended up revolving around my mother, even though I had no idea it would be so when I started it. I literally made myself ill in order to escape the pressures she was putting on me - and didn't even realize what I was doing until my therapist explained it to me. To this day, my mother doesn't know to what extent she had caused my 'illness'. If she did know, she would be terrified. So there's no way I can be fully open and honest with her, ever.
the process of separating and becoming close again
That's a great way of putting it. I wish it could happen for me some day...
it is still your life, and you need to be happy with your choices. Which you can only do if they are *your* choices, not hers.
That's very true. I wonder what would happen if I told her that.;)
Thank you again.