news I should be happy about, I suppose

[floatingleaf]

I went to see my parents last weekend, and was informed that they finally managed to pay off their house. Which is definitely good news. It didn't seem likely for a while that this would ever happen, so I am really happy for them. They love that house, and worked themselves silly for years just to keep it. However, now that this one big project is off the agenda, my mother decided that it is time for ME to buy an apartment. She has been trying to talk me into it for a while now, and I have been patienly repeating to her that, 1) I HAVE NO MONEY, 2) I do NOT want to change my job (and there isn't that much of a chance for finding a better-paying one right now anyway). I KNOW that housing is cheaper now than ever before - but that still doesn't mean it is cheap enough for someone who makes $22,500 a year. I just CAN'T afford to pay more than $600 a month - and the lowest monthly mortgage payment I have ever seen or heard of is somewhere between $700-800. Let alone that I don't have enough for a downpayment. These basic facts have not changed since the last time we had this conversation. However, last Sunday my mother happily announced that now she no longer has to pay the mortgage, she can start saving some money for my downpayment. And there is this wonderfully smart realtor lady, recommended by my aunt, whom she wants me to call for a consultation. And then, once I start looking at apartments, I should take notes, so I don't forget what I liked or disliked about each one etc.etc.etc.

Oh, and by the way, this should all happen within a year or so, because there is no telling when the prices might start going up again. So, considering the fact that the annual lease on my current place of residence expires at the end of February, it should probably happen within the next six months. Great. No problem. Thanks for the heads up. *grits teeth*

I do appreciate the concern and the offer of help. It's just that, yet again, grave decisions about my life have been made above my head and then announced to me with total finality and a classic 'see, where would you be without me' attitude. And while I might have just sighed and accepted it at the age of 15 (which is when my mother filed the immigration petition for me, without ever mentioning it to me first, let alone asking my opinion on it), it sort of rankles now. I know she's always done what she firmly believed was the best for me - but isn't it high time to let me live my own life, make my own mistakes?... Yes, there might come a time when I would regret not buying my own place now, while the prices are low - but getting myself into a very long-term, very high-interest loan (which is the only kind that might possibly be within my reach) at the current penniless stage in my life doesn't seem like the safest solution either. I have serious misgivings about it. Besides, I feel like I have just recently settled into my rented studio, and I simply DON'T WANT to leave it. I LOVE the place. And the thought of another move anytime soon literally fills me with dread. I mean, now that I actually own several heavy pieces of furniture and so much other stuff, it would be more of a hassle than I want to think about. Let alone that any apartment within my financial means would probably need serious renovations, and it would be MY responsibility as the owner to take care of that. "Oh, don't worry about that, we will help you", my parents had said, waving their hands dismissively. As if it was all small potatoes. And maybe, to them, it is. As for me, I am utterly overwhelmed right now and I just... DON'T. WANT. TO DEAL with any of it.

But the most ironic part is that I WILL have to deal with it, simply because I KNOW my mother won't get off my case until I do it. She will keep mentioning it every time we talk, and as soon as I say I hadn't done anything so far, the entire lecture (which I already know by heart) will launch itself yet again. And there are only so many times I can pretend I didn't hear the phone.

To anyone reading this who wishes they had such wonderfully supportive parents, I apologize. I am grateful to them, honestly. I just have this sinking feeling they're never going to treat me like an adult. Is it because I'm never going to marry and have children? Does that make me immature?... Or is it the fact that I'm OK with having a low-paid, undemanding job and living in a shabby, rented apartment? Because, according to my mother, I should want more from life?... But, strangely enough, I don't. So shoot me. All I really want is some basic comforts (like a roof over my head, a bed to sleep on, a bathroom with hot water and some privacy), peace and quiet. And the freedom to make my own decisions and take my time thinking them over. Outrageous, isn't it?

There is a darker side to it, too. I am already way too much indebted for my liking when it comes to my parents, and I am not comfortable taking any more money from them. I know they offer it freely, but there's a catch - the very fact that I have accepted their help, financial and otherwise, on numerous occasions, somehow gives them the right to still orchestrate my life for me. And my mother thrives on it. And, were I to reject the offer, she'd be so emotionally wounded I don't think I could cope with the guilt. And that, perversely, makes me angry, because guilt is the strongest emotion she's ever been able to cause me to feel. Far stronger than love, to be honest. Ever since I can remember. There was always something inherently wrong about pretty much anything I said or did, or didn't - and the growing confusion and resentment I had felt as a child gradually eradicated any traces of genuine affection I might have had for her. I'm pretty sure they were gone by the time I hit puberty. Which, of course, made the guilt even worse, because I always knew the only thing she wanted in exchange for everything she ever did for me was true love and affection. The only thing I wasn't capable of giving, because it simply wasn't there. I faked it, of course, out of guilt and pity. I still do. But, unfortunately, I don't have much of an acting talent, and I fear I'm not very convincing. The only reason she 'buys' it to an extent is because she desperately wants to believe it. And I feel like a heartless bitch when I make my poor, half-asssed efforts to fake it - and even more of a heartless bitch when I don't. Sometimes I wish she wasn't trying quite so hard - because then I wouldn't have to feel quite so guilty. And it wouldn't be quite so easy for her to pressure me into doing almost anything she thinks I should do - just to divert her attention from the big red flashing sign inside my brain that says LEAVE ME ALONE. So there it is - my dark secret. I guess it had to spill out onto these pages some day, in all its dirty glory. If anyone is still reading at this point, and feels disturbed - I apologize again. I am not trying to shock potential readers. I am just being brutally honest, because sometimes you HAVE to - and if not here, then where?... Surely not during a Sunday dinner at my parents' house, where I will simply paste on a smile and look out the window when my mother triumphantly announces: "So now you're starting to look for an apartment" - no matter that I hadn't actually said anything to that effect so far. After all, my affirmation was irrelevant - it had all been decided before I even heard about it. Maybe there's still a chance of turning me into an acceptable daughter, after all.

Disclaimer: I may have been intentionally, viciously sarcastic in this post. I may have been unfair. But I needed to let it out. My mother will never read this. Even if she somehow mysteriously found out about this journal, her English is far from good enough to understand. So my dark secret is safe here. And to all my dear flisters who happen to be mothers themselves and may feel offended by my attitude, I can only say that I'm sure it takes plenty of courage to become a mother - more courage than I will ever have, knowing how easily it can all go wrong, despite everyone's best intentions. I hope you never feel the way I do - and if you 'don't get' where I'm coming from, then I'm really happy for you, because that probably means you're doing perfectly fine.:)

Comments

[aelfwitchfic.livejournal.com]

Hey sweetie, I just tried to give you a call...if you want to talk, Im up for a bit.

*hugs*
Akasha ^V^

[surreysmum.livejournal.com]

Hun, you sound like you're at the same stage my mother and I were at ten to fifteen years ago. Our circumstances are/were strikingly the same (for what it's worth, I'm still renting! *grin*). It can get better, I promise - but it took some honesty, and some willingness to change on both our parts. I didn't think my mother had it in her to ease up - she really didn't know what she was doing with the guilt - but eventually she did. I underestimated her. And by the way, you do love her - trust me, you do. Feeling guilty about potentially hurting her feelings is your way of feeling it just now.

Worst thing you can do is close yourself off - at least that's my experience, based on years of doing the worst thing. Talk to her honestly about what you're feeling. It'll be risky, it'll hurt, there'll be tears and maybe even shouting. Talk to her again. Talk as many times as you need to until she hears. And tell her you love her, even if you can't feel it that way just now, because that's what she desperately needs to hear, if she's anything like my mother was - and it really sounds like she is. Anyway, my two cents, for what it's worth.

I wish you all the best. Family patterns are strong, but they can be broken, I promise.

[crowdaughter.livejournal.com]

Hi, there,

sorry for not commenting for such a long time. But what I wanted to say is: I do understannd what you mesan about wishing not to be indebted more to your parents than you are already, and I have been in the situation where I told my mother thanks for her offer, but I wanted to pay for things myself. It was a hard process for both of us, though, to accept and go through - for me, that I had to hurt her expectations, for her, to let go of orchestrating my life, while she just wanted the best for me. To this day, I have similar fights with my sisters. So, I would encourage you to remain hard and tell your mother thanks, but no, thanks.

you know, you can give her the reasons you told here: that you can't afford the mortgage, do not want to commit yourself to such a long-time debt, AND do not like to be indebted to her more than you are already. It is your life, after all, and she ought to accept your decisions, how well-meaning ever she is in her attempt to manage things for you.

In any case, I wish you luck and cross my fingers for you in this hassle.

[taelyn-sass.livejournal.com]

I wish you much luck in getting this straightened out with your mother. You must feel squeezed with her trying to run your life. Take care of yourself and try not to stress too much. *many hugs*

[floatingleaf.livejournal.com]

Thank you. *hugs* It really helps to know I'm not alone in this.

Worst thing you can do is close yourself off

It probably is, but back when I was a kid it seemed like the only way to protect my sanity. She was so overwhelming, I needed to put up barricades to keep my sense of self from dissolving, lol. And she only made those barricades stronger by trying to take them down by force. It will take a hell of a lot for me to demolish that stronghold... but I'm slowly beginning to realize that maybe it's worth the effort after all. Maybe. Anyway... what you said made a lot of sense, and I will file it for future reference.:)

[floatingleaf.livejournal.com]

Thanks for the input.:)

you know, you can give her the reasons you told here: that you can't afford the mortgage, do not want to commit yourself to such a long-time debt, AND do not like to be indebted to her more than you are already

Oh, I have said all this. More than once. The most frustrating aspect of it is precisely the fact that I keep saying my thing, and then she keeps saying her thing - as though she never really heard me, or as though whatever I said did not matter. Her only possible response to my concerns seems to be: "Why are you being so stubborn?... I only want the best for you." It makes me feel so helpless and tired I usually just give up, so as not to prolong the torment, lol. If I had half the strength of will that she does, it would be a different story - but I don't believe in wasting too much energy on fighting the forces of nature.:P

But we will see. If I can't get a monthly payment below $600, I will not do it, no matter what. She can't force me, after all. But I will need a professional's confirmation that it can't be done, because, obviously, she won't take my word for it. *sigh*

[floatingleaf.livejournal.com]

You must feel squeezed with her trying to run your life.

Ha! Squeezed is an understatement. When I still lived with her, I felt pretty much smashed against the carpet.;) I keep myself sane by staying away for as long as I can without both my parents wondering whether I'm still alive. *sigh*

*hugs back*

[crowdaughter.livejournal.com]

Her only possible response to my concerns seems to be: "Why are you being so stubborn?... I only want the best for you." It makes me feel so helpless and tired I usually just give up, so as not to prolong the torment, lol. If I had half the strength of will that she does, it would be a different story - but I don't believe in wasting too much energy on fighting the forces of nature.:P

Well, to be honest, it took me a few years of therapy to deal with standing up to my mother. And to my complete regret, in the end, she died before we could complete the process of separating and becoming close again. I loved her very much, and I still love her, miss her, too - but I had to fight pretty hard to keep my own business in my own hands when she was still alive. The same was true for me with my sisters. I had to close myself off from them pretty long until they finally accepted it when I told them to stay out of my own business. :)

As for wasting energy - forces of nature are one thing, but it is still your life, and you need to be happy with your choices. Which you can only do if they are *your* choices, not hers. In any case, I wish you luck! :)

[floatingleaf.livejournal.com]

Thank you for sharing all this with me. I really appreciate it.

I did some therapy too, and of course it ended up revolving around my mother, even though I had no idea it would be so when I started it. I literally made myself ill in order to escape the pressures she was putting on me - and didn't even realize what I was doing until my therapist explained it to me. To this day, my mother doesn't know to what extent she had caused my 'illness'. If she did know, she would be terrified. So there's no way I can be fully open and honest with her, ever.

the process of separating and becoming close again

That's a great way of putting it. I wish it could happen for me some day...

it is still your life, and you need to be happy with your choices. Which you can only do if they are *your* choices, not hers.

That's very true. I wonder what would happen if I told her that.;)

Thank you again.

[samtyr.livejournal.com]

Just now playing catch-up, but yeah, I so know what you are talking about and where you're coming from. Oddly enough, I just made a very similar post a day or so ago.

::sends you good vibes, and other positive energy::

[floatingleaf.livejournal.com]

Thanks. I just read your post, and something you said in it really struck a chord with me. I know she loves me, but I'm not sure if she likes me. This is EXACTLY the way I feel about my mother. It's like she doesn't love me for myself, but for the hope that she might be able to change me into someone more acceptable somehow. The way many women hope to change their children, or husbands, or whoever else happens to be the central focus of their emotions. It's very crippling for the person being on the receiving end of this kind of love - as I'm sure you know.

*absorbs the positive energy, and tries to send some back*

[samtyr.livejournal.com]

It's like she doesn't love me for myself, but for the hope that she might be able to change me into someone more acceptable somehow.
--After many years of thinking on this, my conclusion is that it's not so much they want to change us as it is they want us to have the chances they were denied. My mom was the youngest in a large family, she wanted nothing more to be an R.N. But due to her older sisters basically wasting their chances, it was decided by the family that it wasn't worth it to lose all that money a fourth time on my mom. [Of course, Mom's brothers automatically went to college without question. Money was *never* an issue when it came to the boys.] So she wanted to be sure that I had the chance she was denied. Ironically, my getting a B.A. was a waste of time since I never had a job that made use of it.

Mom's greatest complaint was that she could never do enough for me. She never did understand that it wasn't a question of not enough but too much, and her gift was a horrendous burden of guilt. :(

[floatingleaf.livejournal.com]

my conclusion is that it's not so much they want to change us as it is they want us to have the chances they were denied

Yes, that too. Even if WE do not want those particular chances at all, but different ones that THEY don't see as important in the least. *sigh*

She never did understand that it wasn't a question of not enough but too much, and her gift was a horrendous burden of guilt. :(

Exactly. We're on the same boat here. *hugs*

[samtyr.livejournal.com]

*hugsback*