![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
floatingleafSo. Dad's neurologist says that the results of the EEG test are inconclusive. Meaning, they don't look normal, but he needs more detail before he can attempt a diagnosis. So he wants dad to have another EEG - this time the electrodes will stay glued to his head for three days instead of 30 minutes. Fortunately, this sort of thing is done at the patient's home - someone will come and attach the electrodes, and then come back three days later to take them off. And all the while dad will be able to move freely around the house while wearing them (or so the doctor said). Hopefully this test will clarify the situation - but it also means that dad can't go back to work yet and needs to extend his short-term disability for another three months (the follow-up neurologist appointment is in April). After which he has to either come back or quit the job (or they can fire him anyway).
In other angst-inducing news, my mother also has a strange medical problem which requires immediate attention. Namely, her 'woman parts' seem to be, uh... falling out. This can supposedly happen due to either old age or as a result of intense physical labor (in her case, that would be both). Her mother had it too. Fixing it usually requires a surgical procedure. After which she would be forbidden to indulge in any sort of physical exertion for at least a week (if not much longer). And since she works as a self-employed cleaning lady, that would mean having to cancel all work until she is well again. And that would mean massive loss of income. She doesn't get any health benefits, obviously - I mean, the procedure itself may be covered under my dad's insurance, but she won't earn a penny while she's recovering, and if any of her employers (she has a different 'job' for each day of the week) decide to hire someone else in her absence, there's nothing she can do about it. And that would mean a serious blow to the household budget. As in, basically, having to get rid of the house itself ASAP. Except, at this point, if the house sells at all, it's going to sell for half-price or less. After all the hard work both my parents have put into it, that would be heartbreaking. But they aren't likely to have any choice in the matter - unless, of course, they'd rather work themselves to death, or starve while clinging to the cherished fruit of their labors. While the 'American dream' crumbles to dust under their weary feet. I hope it was worth it for them to at least have tried, you know. *gnashes teeth*
So yeah - the future looks pretty bleak. Maybe my own petty troubles seem very insignificant in the face of that - or maybe that just makes it all worse, somehow. Anyway, for the record, I've been feeling extremely tense AND exhausted since Friday night - not a good combination at all.:/ The ridiculously angsty dream I had on Friday would have made me laugh if it wasn't quite so pathetic. Namely, I was at work, getting ready to start on those fateful phone calls, when suddenly there was a power outage. And immediately it became very dark - even though it was the middle of the day. And we all had to leave the building, because supposedly there was a fire somewhere. Sure enough, outside we saw lots of smoke obscuring the view on one side of the street - while on the other, there seemed to be a flood approaching. Like a total, full blown apocalypse/doom/The Road kinda thing. And suddenly I was all alone and couldn't make sense of my surroundings, couln't find my car etc. - not that it would have been of much use to me at that point. And while I was running around in circles, talking to myself because I was feeling so distraught - I suddenly encountered two teenage girls strolling leisurely by. I didn't recognize them - but they seemed to know me, and offered some snide comments, mocking me for my pathetic behavior... and also for being gay. Sic. Teenage angst revisited, lol. Now I know what can be the only thing worse than the apocalypse.:P Basically, that dream was all my fears and insecurities rolled into one. One condensed bitter pill of misery. I woke up rigid with tension, and it never quite went away, even though I slept a little better the next two nights. During the days, I've been keeping myself occupied so as not to think about it - but the angst is there, right under the skin, and I am basically just putting up a calm facade over a quivering sack of jello. If anyone notices my strange mental state at work tomorrow, I am just going to say it's because of my parents' health problems - not because I am scared shitless of making an idiot of myself in front of everyone while talking on the phone, obviously. No one would even BELIEVE that, anyway. *headdesk*
In other angst-inducing news, my mother also has a strange medical problem which requires immediate attention. Namely, her 'woman parts' seem to be, uh... falling out. This can supposedly happen due to either old age or as a result of intense physical labor (in her case, that would be both). Her mother had it too. Fixing it usually requires a surgical procedure. After which she would be forbidden to indulge in any sort of physical exertion for at least a week (if not much longer). And since she works as a self-employed cleaning lady, that would mean having to cancel all work until she is well again. And that would mean massive loss of income. She doesn't get any health benefits, obviously - I mean, the procedure itself may be covered under my dad's insurance, but she won't earn a penny while she's recovering, and if any of her employers (she has a different 'job' for each day of the week) decide to hire someone else in her absence, there's nothing she can do about it. And that would mean a serious blow to the household budget. As in, basically, having to get rid of the house itself ASAP. Except, at this point, if the house sells at all, it's going to sell for half-price or less. After all the hard work both my parents have put into it, that would be heartbreaking. But they aren't likely to have any choice in the matter - unless, of course, they'd rather work themselves to death, or starve while clinging to the cherished fruit of their labors. While the 'American dream' crumbles to dust under their weary feet. I hope it was worth it for them to at least have tried, you know. *gnashes teeth*
So yeah - the future looks pretty bleak. Maybe my own petty troubles seem very insignificant in the face of that - or maybe that just makes it all worse, somehow. Anyway, for the record, I've been feeling extremely tense AND exhausted since Friday night - not a good combination at all.:/ The ridiculously angsty dream I had on Friday would have made me laugh if it wasn't quite so pathetic. Namely, I was at work, getting ready to start on those fateful phone calls, when suddenly there was a power outage. And immediately it became very dark - even though it was the middle of the day. And we all had to leave the building, because supposedly there was a fire somewhere. Sure enough, outside we saw lots of smoke obscuring the view on one side of the street - while on the other, there seemed to be a flood approaching. Like a total, full blown apocalypse/doom/The Road kinda thing. And suddenly I was all alone and couldn't make sense of my surroundings, couln't find my car etc. - not that it would have been of much use to me at that point. And while I was running around in circles, talking to myself because I was feeling so distraught - I suddenly encountered two teenage girls strolling leisurely by. I didn't recognize them - but they seemed to know me, and offered some snide comments, mocking me for my pathetic behavior... and also for being gay. Sic. Teenage angst revisited, lol. Now I know what can be the only thing worse than the apocalypse.:P Basically, that dream was all my fears and insecurities rolled into one. One condensed bitter pill of misery. I woke up rigid with tension, and it never quite went away, even though I slept a little better the next two nights. During the days, I've been keeping myself occupied so as not to think about it - but the angst is there, right under the skin, and I am basically just putting up a calm facade over a quivering sack of jello. If anyone notices my strange mental state at work tomorrow, I am just going to say it's because of my parents' health problems - not because I am scared shitless of making an idiot of myself in front of everyone while talking on the phone, obviously. No one would even BELIEVE that, anyway. *headdesk*
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
(no subject)
Date: 2010-03-09 03:45 pm (UTC)How to Meditate: http://www.tarabrach.com/how-to-meditate.html
Tara Brach is one of my teachers. Her weekly class, both the talk and then the meditation with a bit of instruction are available for free, here: http://www.imcw.org/audio/audioarchives.html
I would also recommend, if you can justify the indulgence, purchasing an audio book for guided instruction. Jack Kornfield's Meditation for Beginner's is great.
Finally, if at all possible, find a copy of this:
http://www.amazon.com/When-Things-Fall-Apart-Difficult/dp/1570623449
*hugs*