I am allowed to be me, after all

[floatingleaf]

Holy crap. I swear these were THE LONGEST two days since I started this job. I just... I can't even remember the last time I felt this exhausted. I've been running on pure adrenaline since yesterday morning. I couldn't have gone on like this for much longer... in fact, I was seriously considering "coming down with a cold" for the rest of the week. A cowardly escape, surely, but I was at the end of my rope, endurance-wise.

Yesterday was spent mostly sending out emails at a frantic pace, hoping to get as many responses as possible, to reduce the number of actual calls I would have to make. As well as researching the newspapers' websites, in the hopes that they would have their current advertising information available there (again, to reduce the number of calls). Two did. Two others wrote me back within the hour. That still left 13 numbers on my list. THIRTEEN. Not good. The project was supposed to be completed by Friday, so I would have to make at least 4-5 calls a day. Problem was, I just couldn't make myself do it with my two coworkers sitting right next to me. They are both much younger than me, as well as very outgoing and totally confident on the phone - I just couldn't bear the thought of them hearing my nervous, shaky voice, so I waited for them to go out to lunch. Unfortunately, they didn't go at the same time. One came back just as I had prepared my little speech in my head and was almost ready to pick up the receiver and make the first call. My courage fled and I swear I felt like crying. I tried to get some other work done, but I was just totally unable to concentrate, checking my email every few minutes just to see if maybe someone else responded, so I wouldn't have to call them. But no such luck. I stayed at work until everyone else had left (that happens sometimes, since we have flexible schedules and I start later) and tried to make some calls then - but I got either a busy signal or an automated message telling me to dial my party's extension (which I didn't know). So I went home, had some dinner, tried to reduce the tension with a hot shower, did my neck & shoulder stretches, took some Ibuprofen for the headache, skimmed through flist quickly and went to bed in the hopes of catching up on some sleep. Was there by 11 p.m. Woke up at 4 a.m., stiff as a board and with an even more vicious tension headache. Could not, for the life of me, fall asleep again. So I got up at six, feeling like a zombie. Took more Ibuprofen and contemplated whether I should call in sick or go to work in the hopes that maybe a few more people have responded to my emails from yesterday. Got dressed, had some breakfast, then actually made two calls from home. On my cellphone (I didn't have the worksheet with me, but I did remember the names of some of the papers, so I googled them and found the contact info on their websites). One guy didn't pick up, so I left him a message. The other call was a perfect success and crossed one more number off my list. That gave me the stupid idea that maybe I could handle it after all. So I went to work - but then everybody was there, sitting at their desks, and I just... couldn't. My head throbbed, my eyes were hurting and I couldn't focus... and there were no new messages in my inbox. I felt MISERABLE. Then, about 10 a.m., the boss sent out an email to everyone that there would be a meeting to "report the results of the call project". In 30 minutes. At which point I simply freaked out and found myself quickly approaching an emotional state close to a panic attack. This was bad. I had to do SOMETHING. Of course, my first instinct was to just get up and run out of the building, and never come back. Instead, I went up to the boss' office and asked her if we could talk in private for a few minutes. And I just spilled everything out. The situation with the parents, how I haven't had a night of proper sleep in week, and how I just totally lacked the confidence to work on this project. And you know what? My boss was completely wonderful about it. She said she understood that this would be more difficult for me than for the other people on the team, and that if I found it too overwhelming at this point in my life, she would simply take me off the project. She also said that it was brave of me to talk to her about it, and that it has no impact on her opinion of my worth as an employee. Everyone has their own strengths and weaknesses, and she wants to help me increase my confidence - but if I need to take it slow, then she will go easy on me. She can divide the rest of my call list among other people. There is plenty of other work I can do instead, after all.

So. I'm very glad I went to her instead of running out the building and never coming back.:) After this little heart to heart, I realized I wasn't feeling quite so dead anymore and could handle staying for the rest of the day. And I actually got a decent amount of work done, believe it or not. So she made a wise business decision, all things considered.:)

Strangely enough, I don't feel like a failure. I just feel relief and gratitude, and a willingness to try harder to break out of my shell at some point futher down the road. At my own pace. It's amazing what a little respect and understanding can do for a person. The boss must have passed her managerial training with flying colors, lol.

And now, hopefully, maybe, I can FINALLY get some decent sleep. *deflates like a pierced baloon*

Comments

[alliwantisanelf.livejournal.com]

OHMYGOSH!

I find talking on the phone to complete strangers much easier than talking to people I already know. I have no idea why. The simple thought that you were brave enough to go to your boss and tell her about your calling problem just blows me away. I would get an instant ulcer trying to drum up that much confidence!

Thank goodness you have her, and that she's so understanding. I'll bet you'll be ten times as good at whatever she's changing you to, and whomever had that particular work detail probably was suffering as much as you were trying to do their part of it. It's so amazing that a group of people can put together their strengths and weaknesses and come out with so much better stuff working together than they could working on their own!

This alone has got to make life so much better for you right now. YAY!

Dude, it was like being asked to leave the building, but the only way down was to jump off the top because there weren't any stairs. You need to start with tiny baby steps with that phone calling stuff, like having a written "speech" that you could go by and calling people you've already met and like.

I'm so danged proud of you (!) for having the guts to go ask for help like you did. That's not failure. That's COURAGE.

*HUGS*

[floatingleaf.livejournal.com]

I find talking on the phone to complete strangers much easier than talking to people I already know.

Hah. Everybody's different. I am usually OK once I have gotten used to someone's voice, accent & speech patterns - it's just the 'unknown' factor that gives me the shakes. Sometimes, even after 8 years in US, I still have trouble understanding some black people, let alone Hispanics or Asians - and it makes me feel terribly self-conscious if I have to ask someone to repeat what they said, because I didn't get it the first time round. I know this happens to everyone, including native English speakers - but I seem to have this warped idea in my head that in my case it's simply because I'm a stupid immigrant. *headdesk*

The simple thought that you were brave enough to go to your boss and tell her about your calling problem just blows me away.

Well... it was less scary than the actual calls.:P

But in all seriousness, I've been working there long enough to know that my boss is a decent human being, and that she wasn't likely to yell at me or mock me or anything. I know she likes me, both as an employee and as a person. She may be a little exacting sometimes, but she has a soft, grandmotherly side to her as well, and I definitely used that to my advantage.;)

I'll bet you'll be ten times as good at whatever she's changing you to

Oh yeah. She knows she can give me the most boring, tedious project on earth that would make most people cringe, and I will just slap my iPod headphones on and get to it with relish.:P This is the first time I've ever objected to something she has asked me to do. Plus, there is usually a hefty pile of work on my desk anyway - it just wasn't getting done at the usual pace this week, because I kept stressing out about the calls (which weren't getting done either). So it made total sense to let her know this was the case, all things considered.

Thanks again for your kind words. *snuggles*

[illuins-lair.livejournal.com]

my first instinct was to just get up and run out of the building, and never come back.
Oh fuck.. this is terrible! I can really immagine the end-of-world-feeling. =(
*wavers between distracting you in doorway and dragging u away to Café safely 2 blocks away*

You were awesome, and you did the absolutely best thing you could do and the most sincere for everyone involved and mostly to yourself! That´s what really count!! Sometimes we have to accept our limitations - not everyone is made for feeling immense!careless!ease with stuff like that; everyone has their dark spot which we maybe can´t step over at certain points in life.
I´m glad your boss show her confidence in you when you really needed it, and that you just let it all out!! That´s mah girrl!! Showing vulnerability is the purest thing we can do, and it takes a lot to go there like you did. We need to stop thinking we´re all fitted for the same tasks or that we have to be superwomen all the time when we´re just human beings!
The way to deal with our "weak" sides is not to push ourselves until we break. It´s to take small steps - handable ones so that we barely notice we´re moving ahead and one day discover that we´ve surpassed it and reached the goal anyway, with a lot less efforts and headaches. Resistance is futile!

*groupsnogs you and your boss*

I just feel relief and gratitude, and a willingness to try harder to break out of my shell at some point futher down the road.
Woot!!

*places deflated baloon tenderly on pillow while singing awful nonsense-songs until snoring occurs*

[floatingleaf.livejournal.com]

The way to deal with our "weak" sides is not to push ourselves until we break. It´s to take small steps - handable ones so that we barely notice we´re moving ahead and one day discover that we´ve surpassed it and reached the goal anyway, with a lot less efforts and headaches.

Yeah. That's basically my philosophy on life, lol. Unfortunately, some people think that's cowardly - or maybe I just tend to assume that they would think so. Is it courageous to admit to yourself and others that you're a coward?... *ponders*

singing awful nonsense-songs until snoring occurs

You are an absolute sweetheart, dear. *snuggles*

[illuins-lair.livejournal.com]

The delicate people walk with small steps and are the strong ones because of it..
I don´t consider it having to do with cowardry but rather the opposite!

*places flag of bravery all way up to mountaintop*

[floatingleaf.livejournal.com]

The delicate people walk with small steps and are the strong ones because of it..

That's a beautiful thing to say. Thank you so much. <333

[taelyn-sass.livejournal.com]

You were very brave in confronting the situation head-on. I'm so glad it worked out in your favor. Maybe now you can get some real rest. *hugs*