floatingleaf | Recent Entries

Somehow I never mentioned the great movie I saw earlier this month - Big Girls Don't Cry (Germany, 2002, directed by Maria von Heland). A very intense drama about friendship, family and growing up. Two teenage girls, Kati and Steffi, have known each other since early childhood and are closer than sisters - until Steffi discovers that her father is cheating on her mother, and decides to "punish" all the guilty parties involved (along with some innocent ones who just happen to be in the way). It's a great character study of young, fragile hearts and minds, struggling to find their way around in the big, scary adult world. For some reason, the topic resonates with me very strongly - I have watched dozens of films centered on the "coming of age" theme... and, funnily enough, I always identify with the young protagonists, despite currently being the age of their parents.;) Could be because I've never gone through the experience of being a parent - while, on the other hand, I remember the constant angst of being a teenager all too well. Or maybe I just never quite grew up, and I am somehow subconsciously hoping that those movies will help me figure out how to do it.:P Or maybe I just want to feel better about being my current age; as in, "at least I am not going through all that teenage drama anymore". Whichever is the case, those movies usually have a strong impact on me - an this one is no exception. I was particularly impressed with Anna Maria Mühe, who played Kati - she put some serious character development into the role. It was her first movie, btw; but her face looked familiar to me, and indeed, she later played a supporting character (the female BFF) in the gay/transgender love story Romeos, which I saw at the Chicago International Film Festival last October (I did post about it at the time - all my reviews can be found under the "movies" tag).

But I digress. My point is, I always feel deeply comforted by stories where female bonding and friendship wins over various trials and tribulations - just like I am often upset by scenarios where women are mostly shown as being mean to each other and basically stepping over each other's dead bodies to "win the competition" over some stupid guy. I know this is a popular stereotype, perpetrated by women themselves as much as by men; but it has always struck me as rather contrived, because in my experience, most women aren't like that at all. ( Read more... )

Current Mood: contemplative

As usual, it's Friday night and I feel like posting, but I'm too tired to think of something coherent to say.:/ So I've been traipsing around YouTube, looking for videos to share. And I found this. Just one of my many recent music discoveries...

I owe this one to

meathiel, btw. It's the perfect flavor of emo for me, so thanks again...;)

And here's a different flavor of emo, which is growing on me by the minute. This one - and quite a few others - was introduced to me courtesy of the amazing music posts by

tindomerel.:)

Isn't it just... I don't even know what. My brain has shut down for tonight. I just want to close my eyes, hum a loony tune and float away...

Current Mood: sleepy

Happy Birthday,

surreysmum! I know it's kinda late, but as they say, better late than never.:) I hope you had a lovely day...

Here's some Viggo for you - he's all ready for a birthday snapshot...:D

Current Mood: tired

Mother Nature is still playing cat & mouse with me, making me feel like my period has already started - only to pull back an hour or so later, turning it into a false alarm. I hate when that happens. I was hoping I would not have to call in sick to work this time, since it has been "already starting" since yesterday - but no such luck, it seems. And I have already taken two days off this month... *sigh* (My total of available vacation/sick and personal days for the year is 24 - and taking into account that I usually need one every month when my period hits, there isn't much of actual "vacation" at my disposal at all...)

Anyway... I will probably crash in a few hours, but for now, I am still more or less in working order, and I don't even have to cook, since I did that last night. Which, of course, means that I can post.:) And I just randomly thought of the long-forgotten 30-day meme.:D Which, in my case, looks more like a 30-year meme, since the latest installment I posted was in October 2011 (and I wrote a total of THREE installments that year). Oh well. That probably tells you something about the typical speed with which I go about things.;) So if you're a "fast-paced" kind of person, you'd probably do well not to waste your time with me. Which, in that case, you most likely aren't doing anyway.:P

But back to the meme. If you have no clue what the whole thing is about, click on the tag at the bottom of this post to see previous entries. You are also heartily welcome to "steal" the meme, since I would love to read other poeple's responses to it. Meanwhile, though, here's my next entry:

( Day 08 - A moment, in great detail )

Current Mood: weird

I am happy to announce that this Friday the 13th proved quite uneventful.:) Of course, the day isn't over yet, so perhaps I shouldn't say anything.:P

My general mood is better, if restless - I should be getting my period this weekend, so I am full of this shaky, nervous energy that can be either productive or destructive, depending on some unspecified factors (Mother Nature's whim, chiefly, I suspect). So far it feels productive, but of course that can change any minute. We'll see what happens tomorrow...

I need to start taking better care of myself, in a number of ways. First of all, I've gained a few pounds over the past few weeks, and I need to put a stop to it before things get out of hand. Paying closer attention to my diet would be one good way to do it. Moving more would be another. I need to establish some sort of exercise routine that I am actually going to stick to - and it can't be too strenuous, because that's the surest way to make me overdo it the first time, and then give up entirely for weeks. It's happened many times. *sigh* I need to be gentle, but persistent. I also need to make an effort to go outside more, even if I don't feel like it - because being outside (in tolerable weather, at least) usually has a positive effect on my mood. I need to unglue myself from the computer sometimes, even if it feels like I'll never catch up on all the posts/comments/emails etc.etc.etc. Internet stuff has a way of never being fully done, no matter how much time you spend on it - and somehow it's always at the expense of sleep, exercise or other much healthier pursuits.;) The frustration of "OMG I haven't checked my flist in so many hours" isn't a healthy symptom, and should be ignored until it goes away.;P (Who am I kidding on this one, really?... *snort*) I also need to introduce some sort of spiritual practice into my life, because that's just another missing piece of the puzzle for me. I don't know yet what it should be (meditation, perhaps?...) and how to go about finding that out, but I know it has to happen sooner or later. I just feel this immense, unexplored potential for spiritual experience within myself - and I don't want to use the word "religion", because that is a dirty word that makes me think of mind control and hatred - and I want something quite opposite, something limitless and undivisive. And I don't want to be a mindless fanatic that needs to be told what to believe - I want to find out by myself, lol. Whatever that means. I just know there is a source of inner strength and comfort in this pursuit that can sustain me, if I only allow myself to access it. Because living from moment to moment just isn't enough...

Current Mood: listless

Surprisingly enough, I got a fair bit of stuff done during my extended holiday weekend. The one thing I haven't managed to do was make an LJ post... LOL. So I'll try to make up for that right now.

On Friday I did my weekly grocery shopping, cooked some food and watched a movie. On Saturday morning I headed over to my parents' place, where we all proceeded to pig out shamelessly for most of the day (interrupted by occasional naps). First we had a massive Easter breakfast (or brunch, really, since it started around noon) of hard-boiled eggs and ham and potato salad, then we had cake (various kinds, as usual), then - after everybody said they could never possibly eat again - mom made a gigantic pork roast for dinner.:D Yeah, that's our family holidays for you. *long-suffering sigh* ;) We survived, though - including my dad, who recently had his gall bladder removed. We all concluded that since he didn't need to visit the ER after this, he must be officially cured.:P I stayed the night, feasted on some leftovers the next morning, helped mom sort through a pile of junk mail (she communicates relatively well in English, but written text is not her friend... lol), then requested to be driven to the train station in the early afternoon. Surprisingly enough, they didn't try to talk me into staying the entire day (I think they were amazed enough that I stayed as long as I did...:D). Since I got home around 3 p.m., I decided to do some cleaning (my chief motivation being that cleaning is exercise, and after the previous 24+ hours of laying around stuffing my face with heavy food I could really use some, LOL). So my apartment no longer looks like a pigsty. *satisfied nod*;) Then I plopped into my lovely papasan chair and watched another movie. On Monday I ran some errands, including a trip to the ATM (which is a longish bus ride for me these days, since the closer ATM I used to frequent before can't be reached via public transportation) and Whole Foods (I don't buy food there, since it's way too expensive for me - but they also sell healthier cosmetics/personal care stuff, which is worth the few extra bucks, imo; plus, I have an irresistible weakness for expensive scented soaps and lotions - which aren't chock-full of toxic chemicals, I might add - so there). Then, in the evening, I made a salad for my work lunches this week - so I don't need to cook again until next weekend. Which is why I have time to post tonight.:)

As for the movies I watched... the first one was absolutely brilliant. In a Better World by a Danish director Suzanne Bier. Intense drama about family relationships, loneliness, people's notorious inability to communicate with one another, and the eternal question of how to defend yourself against bullies/abusers without becoming one of them. What is more morally deplorable: an "eye for an eye" approach, or standing by mutely while someone you care about is getting hurt (sometimes there is no third option). Wonderful acting and a totally gripping, nuanced and suspenseful storyline. A masterpiece.

The other movie I saw was a British gay romance called Weekend.:) A deceptively simple story: two guys hook up in a bar, planning to have a one-night stand with no strings attached... then somehow end up spending most of the weekend together, and by the end of said weekend find themselves amazed by the impact they've had on each other. It's not a saccharine slash tale, though. I know it may sound like that from my description, and I wouldn't necessarily have minded if it was.;) But it's quite gritty and realistic instead. Totally believable. The best thing about it? Not the sex, strangely enough (*ahem*), but the conversations. It's fascinating to watch two very different people really get to know each other, and start to see the world through a different perspective. I think I have a fetish for that... LOL.

And now, sadly, I need to conclude today's installment.:/ Other random and irrelevant news to follow as time allows.;)

Current Mood: accomplished

So, I have finally gotten my act together and downloaded a good browser (Opera). Bye bye, Internet Explorer.;P I can now view high-resolution images and videos without getting the message that the browser has "stopped working", or that "a problem with the webpage" has caused it to "close and reopen the tab". Somehow, webpages no longer have problems.:D I even figured out how to import my IE bookmarks into Opera - so, yay me. *snort* And I like the cool little slidebar in the corner that allows me to adjust the font/image size of any website I'm viewing. Perfect for short-sighted people.:D Also, automatic spellcheck. I will now likely discover the sad truth about my allegedly amazing proofreading skills... LOL.

In other news, there is no official Easter break in the US, but I decided I needed one, so I took both tomorrow and Monday off. The thing is, usually I just visit my parents on Easter Sunday, but this time I am going on Saturday, because that's when my sister & brother-in-law will be there (they have other plans for Sunday) - and I haven't seen them since Christmas. And, of course, unlike them, I have no excuse to leave on Saturday night - so I will most likely stay till Sunday. Which will make my mother happy, but leave hardly any time for me to do the regular weekend stuff (grocery shopping, cooking etc.; let alone the fact that my place really needs cleaning - not because it's Easter, but because I haven't cleaned it in about a month... LOL). So I need to give myself those extra two days. They will not feel adequate, I'm sure - but I don't want to use too many vacation days so early in the year, so I have to stick to the necessary minimum.:/

( The rest of this post gets a little gloomy and unsettling, so feel free to skip if you're in a happy mindspace and don't wish to be thrown out of it. )

Current Mood: pensive

Well, I'm still in a strange mood... but I decided to try to post anyway, even if it feels pointless. Because if I don't say anything at all, I feel even worse than if I say something pathetically trivial. It's an addiction, I swear.;)

I can't even think of a good April Fools' joke, so I'm not making one. All life is a joke, anyway, isn't it?

Well, never mind me. Scratch that. Another weekend passed in a blink, and I didn't even manage to clean up my email inbox. I did some laundry, though, so I guess it could have been worse. *snort* AND I've downloaded a shitload of music. So there.

But even talking about said music would be too time-consuming right now, since I should be getting ready for bed... *sigh*

Current Mood: weird
Current Music: Diary of Dreams

I just wasted another evening trying to think of something to post about, and deleting every single attempt. It just all seemed so IRRELEVANT.

And now it's bedtime again. I'm so, so fed up with this. Apparently, I have lost the ability to formulate my thoughts. They are a raging chaos.

I don't want to write about work, or the daily trivia, or the weather. There must be something MORE than this, something deeper to be dragged out of this miserable brainmush of mine. I know it's there, I just can't hear it over the static...

Sounds like a midlife crisis, sure enough.

Current Mood: unsettled

Where does the time go? How come it's been a week since my latest post? Why does it feel like I can't keep up with life anymore, even though nothing out of the ordinary has been going on?...

To be honest, I guess I've always felt this way - but recently it's getting worse. This past weekend just flew by like a rocket, and I barely managed to take care of some incredibly boring mundane stuff. I'm afraid I might never say anything vaguely interesting in this journal again - not because there aren't tons of fascinating topics I could talk about, but because I will never find the time to go beyond "Hey, I'm still here, another week has passed, nothing momentous happened, but I was busy with the daily grind." That would pretty much cancel the purpose of this journal to me, because I'm not interested in keeping a Facebook account.:P Or a goddamn Twitter... LOL. I like the LJ format precisely because it allows you to write long, rambling posts - except you need to actually have the time and energy to do that. Otherwise you might just as well shut up and only lurk silently in the background, reading other people's entries. I am usually annoyed by LJ-ers who only pop in about once a month to say: "Hey, I'm still here, see you later!" - but what if it's either that or nothing?... Is it worth the effort?...

I don't know. It just feels grossly unfair, somehow. Life is fleeting, and so much of it has to be spent doing such trivial stuff (like work, for example :P). There is a whole lot of something missing from this picture, but I don't seem to have the time to even focus on it... *weary sigh*

Current Mood: listless

I took a day off today, since my period hit last night and I woke up feeling extremely weak and sluggish (despite having gone to bed around 10 p.m.). Luckily, it wasn't a big deal; we're still busy at work, but it's not so frantic anymore. And having a lazy morning in bed makes the whole monthly affliction much more tolerable...

The weather is still incredibly summerish - I opened the windows to air out the place a bit, and the breeze felt very warm. It even got a bit stuffy inside in the afternoon. I felt tempted to turn on the AC at one point... but I said to myself: It's MARCH, for God's sake. You don't turn on the AC in March! LOL. I didn't even take the kitchen window fan out of the closet - because, for all I know, it might still get cold again in a few days, and once the fan is put in, I won't be able to close the window. But I feel like I have to keep reminding myself it's March - the outside temperature certainly doesn't confirm it... *headshake*

In other news, I just finished reading one of my latest purchases: Fun Home by Alison Bechdel. It's an autobiography in the form of a graphic novel. In case you've never heard of Alison Bechdel, she's the author of a popular comic series, Dykes to Watch Out For. ( Read more... )

I have also just discovered that they totally revamped my favorite download website: Soundike.com. At first I freaked out, because I immediately thought that now they're going to start charging as much as Amazon or iTunes - but, lo and behold, they actually lowered the price! It used to be $0.15 per track - now it's $0.10 per track. Seriously... TEN CENTS. Full album for less than a dollar. It actually makes me a bit suspicious. They say they're legal, but how can that be true?... I'm not sure if I should stay away, or instead download as much as possible while this incredible deal lasts (sure it won't be forever). They have a banner up saying "Birthday Party! Only $0.10 per track!" - so perhaps it's an anniversary of the site's launch or something. Anyway... I am currently sampling the medieval/Celtic band Omnia, recommended to me by

meathiel (btw, the track samples last a full minute now - they used to be 40 seconds). Thanks, Kerstin! It sounds lovely.:)

And now... bedtime.:/

Current Mood: lethargic
Current Music: Omnia

Today was a glorious summer day. No, not a warm and breezy spring day, which perhaps wouldn't have been so surprising - but most definitely a SUMMER day, with people running around in shorts and flip-flops. Not that some Chicagoans don't switch to shorts and flip-flops as soon as the snow melts... lol. But today it was actually warm enough for ME to wear a summer outfit - and that IS saying something. I totally would have worn a sleeveless top, too - if only my armpits had been shaved.:P But seriously, who expects this sort of weather in March?... In the upper part of the northern hemisphere?... It feels absolutely surreal. I mean, a week ago I was still wearing my winter jacket, scarf and gloves. Today, a frilly skirt and sandals. I was actually planning to buy a new light spring jacket/windbreaker, since both my old ones are very worn and shabby - but it looks like I don't need one, since there was no spring to speak of. Apparently, we only have two seasons now: the hot & humid one, and the cold & wet one, LOL. Not a rainy one, since both would qualify as rainy here in Chicago - so that wouldn't differentiate one from the other. Anyway... the funny (or not really) thing is that a substantial percentage of the American society still blithely claims that NOOOOO, of course there is no global warming.:/

But let's not even go there, mmmkay? I have no energy for disturbing topics tonight. In fact, I can feel my brain shutting down right now.:/ I've been running errands and shopping for most of the day, and now all I want is BED. *sigh*

Current Mood: exhausted

So, I did watch that old Viggo flick I mentioned a while ago (La Pistola de mi Hermano). It's a strange little movie about a pair of troubled teenagers. And it's not nearly as old as I thought - it was made in 1997. So Viggo is actually 39 it in... LOL. ( He does look very young - but that's Viggo for you.:D )

In other news, the weather is very grey, windy and uninviting, and I feel lethargic, but strangely restless at the same time. My customary walks to the neighborhood grocery stores exhausted me far more than they should have, and I wanted to talk about other stuff, but it's late now and my brain is shutting down.:/ I can't do the "night owl" thing anymore, even on weekends. It's no fun getting old... LOL. *sigh*

Current Mood: exhausted

I'm having weird issues with my browser - whenever I click on something, I get the message that the website is "not responding". Refreshing usually works, but then the next time I try to do anything, the message comes back again.:/ Or the site freezes for a minute or so. And it's been happening with a bunch of different sites, so I know it's not just one particular webpage with problems. Also, my internet connection seems perfectly fine. So I figure it must be the browser. I have Internet Explorer 9 - the latest fancy-shmancy version that is supposed to be oh-so-cool. Any ideas on why it might be acting like this?... It makes web browsing extremely frustrating - not to mention posting LJ comments and stuff like that. I am actually making this entry as a test, to see if I am able to post under the circumstances. If it comes through, I'll try to do another one...

Current Mood: frustrated

Because the older I get, the more sentimental I become (surprised, anyone?...;), I just realized today is the 67th (!!!) birthday of a certain Polish actor I had the most severe crush on as a teenager. So I googled him, just in case there actually were some nice pics available (when I searched before, all I could find were relatively recent ones, and he hasn't aged very well... and, sadly, my collection of newspaper clippings from those ancient times when he still looked good never made it across the Atlantic) - and voila! there he is, playing Hamlet back in the sixties:

See the grainy old black-and-white photo?... *gets all teary-eyed* (yes, that was before I was born, I'm not THAT ancient yet...;P)

And then I found this: "One of Poland’s most popular actors Daniel Olbrychski celebrates 50 years on screen" (from last December):

Not bad for 67, if I say so myself.:) Fifty years on screen, and he never lost that crooked smile... Here's to another fifty in good health and spirits (and no, I am not alluding to the legendary fondness for alcohol among Polish actors in general, and this one in particular; or perhaps I am, just a little...;).

And now I really must scamper off to bed... *sigh*

Current Mood: nostalgic

Thanks to

meathiel and

dissonant_dream for the blue dragons!... They're cute.;)

Winter is making its final (hopefully...) stand this weekend, and after trudging through frozen snow for most of the day running errands my legs feel weak and achy. Luckily I don't have to go anywhere tomorrow...

No other personal news to share... but there is something I've been thinking about a lot for the past few days. See, I discovered this blog on intersexuality. Also known as hermaphroditism - but the latter term is seen by some people it refers to as controversial. Anyway... the essence of the matter is that our (Western) culture tells us everyone is born either male or female, except for some extremely rare "birth defect" cases that require immediate corrective surgery. ( And that is simply not true. )

Current Mood: thoughtful

Comment to this entry and I'll give you a letter. List ten things that you love that begin with that letter and then post that list on your journal.

kehleyr gave me "S"... an easy one.:)

Here goes:

spring (can it come soon?... *wistful sigh*)
summer
storms (especially summer storms :)
sunsets
sunflowers
snowdrops
strawberries
stories (as in "fiction")
songs
solitude

Can you tell I am extremely ready for a change of season?...;)

Current Mood: relaxed

It's cold. And snowing. And I really hoped that the office would close early today because of it... but it didn't happen this time. Instead, I had more work thrown at me. Next week is going to be a mad scramble to keep up with all the stuff flooding my desk.:/

In other exciting news, I don't think I managed to go to bed before midnight even once in the past week - despite seriously planning on it every single day. Don't ask me how this happens. Ironically, the more tired I am, the more difficult it becomes to "mobilize" myself for early bedtime, because my entire body/mind slows down somehow and I lose track of time. Like, for example, I don't realize I just spent an hour (instead of 10-15 minutes) filing my nails, or something to that effect. I've no idea if that makes any sense to "normal" people. But then again, I'm not sure there are any "normal" people on my flist, so maybe I shouldn't worry.;P Seriously, I am inclined to think that anybody remotely sane would have given up on me long ago...

In that vein, and because I am way too exhausted to talk about anything remotely clever or interesting tonight (not that it ever stops me from posting... LOL) - let me share some song lyrics that reflect my current state of mind pretty well:

( Sixshooter by Tiamat )

Current Mood: drained

Stolen from

crowdaughter:

I'm running a test to see who's reading my posts. So, if you read this, leave me a one-word comment about your day that starts with the third letter of your LJ USERNAME. Only one word please. Then repost so I can leave a word for you. Don't just post a word and not copy - that's not as much fun!

Current Mood: tired

Damn you, Winter. Why do you have such a profound effect on my daily functioning?... I thought I had stuff to post about, but my brain refuses to put it into coherent sentences. All I want to do is eat and sleep... and then eat again, and sleep some more. Staying more or less awake for 8 hours a day at the office seems about as much as I can handle. As soon as I get home, brain goes into standby mode.:/ As in, waiting for bedtime. *yawns*

It was raining yesterday, btw, but now we have another Arctic freeze coming. There will be ICE all over the sidewalks tomorrow morning. *cringes* And that's really all the news I can muster... *gives up*

Current Mood: groggy

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Floating Leaf

Recent Entries

a film review and some loosely related thoughts

music is more interesting than my weekly news digest anyway :)

(no subject)

more random premenstrual brainspew

premenstrual ponderings :)

long weekend recap

in which I try to lighten the mood, but can't really keep that up

bear with me, please

(no subject)

is that what a midlife crisis feels like?...:|

a perfect lazy day of books and music :)

St. Patrick in a bikini :D

oh well

my Internet Explorer is being a bitch :|

Happy Birthday to an old crush :)

recommended reading for the curious mind :)

a silly meme, just because

cleaning my nose for the ultimate thrill (it's a quote, folks, okay?)

why not? shrug

I think my "spirit animal" must be a bear :)