Floating Leaf

I've been in a pretty dark mental space for the past few days. I just don't see much reason for cheerfulness, try as I might. I have a feeling this is only the beginning of some shitty period in my life and everything will basically go downhill from here. The fact that my mother called and we had a serious conversation about the FUTURE might have something to do with that. She has an uncanny way of making everything look absolutely BLEAK. Or maybe it's just a way of making me FACE REALITY, which I am otherwise pretty reluctant to do.

I wonder if that's what depression feels like. When you sort of trudge through your day, but don't really see much point. And if you happen upon something that would normally make you jump up & down in glee, you just go: Damn, I WISH I could enjoy it!... And you feel exhausted all the time, but can't really sleep very well. And when someone (like an annoyingly happy coworker) tells you to cheer up and "live a little", you just want to punch them in the face.:/

Also, I am apparently about to start looking for a part-time weekend job. According to my mother, anyway. I told her I would think about it. I could certainly use some extra money (or, to be precise, ANY money, since the word "extra" seems to imply you have some already in the first place, doesn't it?...). But this is ridiculous. I mean, I shouldn't have to work two jobs. I am single, and I don't have an army of kids to feed. Or even a cat/dog/hamster/whatever. I don't even WANT a damn car anymore, OKAY?... I just want some time to myself after I've put in my 40 hours at the office, and some peace and quiet. Which is, apparently, a privilege I can no longer afford. Fuck this land of fucking opportunity and everything that's fucked up about it. Fuck the Wall Street bankers, the moronic, gun-toting, Bible-thumping "patriots" and "health" insurance companies who would happily rip the last shirt off the back of a homeless guy dying in a ditch. It's all some sort of dark comedy, and so is my life, and it's just not funny anymore. Not fucking funny at all. Why bother? I will probably only end up homeless/mentally ill at some point anyway. Why wait till it happens?... Seriously... why?

*curls up in a ball*

Excuse my shit, but it needed to get out. End of transmission. Good night.

So here it is. The new year, I mean. I find myself strangely unmoved by its arrival. Not that I was in a celebratory mood, anyway. I sort of went through the motions, by which I mean I just had two glasses of wine and some ice-cream, and watched some old A/L fanvids on YouTube. As well as lighted a few scented candles earlier tonight. Very festive, I know. But that's about as much effort as I was willing to put into celebrating something I'm not even sure is worth celebrating. I couldn't muster the energy to call anyone, because, obviously, they would want to know my latest news, and that's not really something I want to talk about. If anyone calls tomorrow, I might pick up the phone... maybe. But tonight I just wanted to be quiet and pretend that everything is perfectly fine. So I listened to Marc Almond and uploaded more pretty icons, and ate sushi, and drank wine (deliciously sweet Barefoot Moscato from California, btw; much better than champagne, if you ask me). And now I think I'll go to bed. Hope everyone had a great time celebrating, and is feeling more enthusiastic about 2011 than I am at the moment. Peace and joy to all. *yawn*

I just got summoned for jury duty.:/ I mean, really? I've only been a citizen for two years, and they got me already?... I haven't even registered to vote, hoping that it might reduce the likelihood of being picked too soon. Well, it looks like I might just as well start voting now, for all the good it's going to do. I'm in the system anyway.:/

It came in my old name, btw - but I don't suppose I could pretend it's not really for me, could I? Technically, there is no US citizen of that name, because my citizenship certificate bears the new one. But I'd rather show up and explain the situation than risk getting a fine for disregarding the summons, I think.

The letter says to be prepared to stay at the courthouse for 7 hours at least, and to bring change for vending machines. ( Read more... )

Anyone still remember that? It went around a few months ago. I don't know anyone who actually finished the whole thing... but I totally will. Like, in another year or so.:P Maybe. Anyway... because I am sluggish from TOO MUCH FOOD and have nothing relevant to say otherwise, I offer you the next installment.:)

( Day 04 - What you ate today, in great detail )

So, we had this other holiday party at work today, and then they let us go home early. Oh, and the boss gave each one of us a nice bracelet with a South American design that she had bought during her trip to the Caribbean. Each one of us women, that is. Mike (the only guy on the team) got a pair of gloves instead.:)

I have pretty much finalized my Christmas shopping - and while I was at Barnes & Noble last weekend, I couldn't resist a beautifully packaged CD of traditional Irish music performed by Loreena McKennitt (The Wind That Shakes the Barley). I love Loreena. She has such amazing feel for traditional music, and for mixing traditional elements into her own compositions. And then there's her voice. Pure magic.:)

So that's my "holiday music" this year (or every year, for that matter). Loreena McKennitt. Enya. Folk songs/traditional carols from various places around the globe. Not the crap they play at most American retail stores, thank you very much.:P

As for holiday decorations, I got me a bunch of lovely new winter-themed icons. *points at the top of the post* Found at roxicons. That girl makes some truly gorgeous stuff, let me tell you. I am severely tempted to purchase extra icon space, just so I could upload more of her pretties.

Speaking of purchases, though... looks like I won't be getting my new PC until after the holidays. ( My bank account balance simply isn't high enough at the moment. )

Had a lovely time with mellacita. I love that feeling of ease and familiarity with someone you've never actually talked to before.:) Only happens with online friends, though.;)

Then I decided to try and find the Italian restaurant where we are having our company holiday lunch this coming Thursday. I thought I knew the area, since I used to live nearby, and that spotting a restaurant close to a huge shopping mall should be easy. Hahaha. I probably wasted about two hours driving around in useless circles.:/ I found about 15 OTHER restaurants, thank you very much - just not this one. Finally I spotted a roadside sign that included the restaurant's name, among others - but I still don't know which particular building it's in, since there was no sign on the wall/above the door anywhere. So it's going to be fun trying to get there on time Thursday morning.:/ (There's a company meeting first, for which it's not acceptable to be late, and then the lunch.)

I feel drained now, even though I barely did anything today. Must be the weather. The below-freezing temperatures have hit, and that always depletes my energy levels. Plus, endless driving makes you sleepy. And just the thought of getting up early tomorrow and going back to work makes me want to curl up with my back to the universe, LOL.

In better news, I received a holiday card from dissonant_dream today. It's sparkly! ;) Thank you, dear. *hugs* Fresh snow is so beautiful to look at when you don't have to be outside driving in it.:P

Also, I feel like I should watch The Road again, but I just don't have the emotional fortitude to handle it. I mean, it's a beautiful film, and why on earth did I buy the DVD if I am not going to watch it - but... you know. ( I will just end up in a big teary mess. )

Another mind-boggling example of how religion messes with some people's heads:

http://www.alternet.org/reproductivejustice/149022/creepy_christian_patriarchy_movement_shackles_daughters_to_their_fathers_and_homes/

As in, women AGAINST feminism. Because, you know, feminism is so very bad for you. And, apparently, God doesn't like it. Or, in other words, your daddy and your pastor don't like it - which obviously means that God doesn't like it either. *bangs forehead against the wall*

My favorite quote? (...) prime purposes of feminism are to establish a lesbian-socialist republic and to dismantle the family unit (from the pro-patriarchy website Fathers for Life). God(ess) help me!... I LOL-ed so hard I almost fell off the chair. Not that I would necessarily mind a lesbian-socialist republic... but yeah. Sometimes stupidity is so great it achieves accidental brilliance.:/

My next favorite quote (from the notorious preacher Pat Robertson): feminism is a socialist, anti-family political movement that encourages women to leave their husbands, kill their children, practice witchcraft, destroy capitalism, and become lesbians. Now, kindly note the order in which said calamities are listed: "destroying capitalism" seems somehow worse and more terrifying than killing children, but "becoming lesbians" is the ultimate evil. Looks like I started my descent into darkness from the wrong end, LOL. But I often do stuff backwards, so no worries. Now can someone please tell me how to destroy capitalism?... I'd like to get that done before I move on to the witchcraft. Killing children doesn't sound appealing, so I think I'll stop there. Also, no need to leave a husband, since I never had one. See? I messed the whole thing up. I'm not even a "proper" lesbian, since I do get hetero-crushes every once in a while. Maybe I'm just not feminist enough. Because, apparently, heterosexual feminists don't exist (see above). Just like lesbians never have children or start a family. Gahhh. I think I have moved past the stage of being outraged at such vicious nonsense and achieved a state of semi-permanent hysterical amusement. It's a coping mechanism, I'm sure. Otherwise I would probably have to become a terrorist and blow something up. Like Pat Robertson's church, for example.

Yeah. Just this little tidbit to mull over on a Friday night. Will try to catch up on comments/emails over the weekend - no predictable success rate, though.;)

So... wanna hear something ridiculous? It's still November, and I am already sick & tired of Christmas music. Or, to be precise, of what passes for "Christmas music" in a typical American retail environment, lol. I tried to start my gift shopping today - without much success, I might add - and I just feel like I wasted a few hours and now I can't get some of those ugly, unappealing tunes out of my head. Blargh. My patience has run out, I think. I'll stick to ordering stuff online from now on, shipping fees or not. After all, I am already half-blind from staring into the computer screen most of the time anyway...

Also, apparently there are LJ communities meant specifically for people who are looking for new friends. You can join and post your profile, inviting others to add you. I've had a look around one such comm, which included users "age 21 and over". Predictably enough, pretty much everyone was somewhere between 22 and 27.:/ (Not that I mind interacting with much younger people, some of whom are very smart and mature and all - it's just that I can't help wondering why a twenty-something would be interested in befriending an old hag... which perhaps indicates that I have issues, but yeah. Browsing through that comm did make me feel like a grandmother, lol.) And no-one's interests even vaguely resembled mine. So I don't think I'll be joining. There are also comms where people post naked pictures of themselves - either full shots or specific body parts. No joke. Not that I'm scandalized or anything - more like mildly amused, I guess. I just wasn't aware of that. *shrug* And no, I am not interested in joining any of those comms either.:P

Gahhh. I've felt like I had so much to say lately - tons & tons of interesting posts brewing inside my head... but when I finally do sit down in front of that blank typing box, some daft insignificant blabber comes out. *sigh* I'd better just stick to reading other people's journals. Or fanfic - which only makes me feel like I want to write myself... but then I sit down in front of that blank typing box, and... yeah. Echoing silence. Maybe I could use a prompt word or something?... I just... there's so much static in my head, for all I know there could be an FPS masterpiece hiding in there somewhere, being obscured by corny elevator music of bland holiday cheerfulness. Or something. How do you force the creative part of your brain to pay attention to itself?... How do you tune out all the crap that the so-called reality assaults you with every minute of every day?... Should you have any ideas on that, please let me know.

Okay, this is weird. I am on some sort of mad quest for new LJ-friends, because most of my current LJ-friends are way too quiet most of the time and I feel like I have no-one to talk to. I mean, I can monologue here till I'm blue in the face, and maybe someone will even read it and think "Oh crap, there she goes again" - and keep that remark to themselves out of polite consideration for my fragile ego - but that still doesn't in any way address my need for CONVERSATION. Or, you know, thought EXCHANGE. And I don't mean casual remarks about the weather or the price of eggs, thank you very much. I want to talk ABOUT stuff. I don't know, fandom (any fandom I am even remotely interested in), art, cinema, music, books, astrology, paranormal phenomena, gender, sexuality, the meaning of life (yes, even Monty Python, LOL)... you name it. I want to become friends with more people who discuss such (or other) stimulating topics in their journals on a regular basis - so I can participate in the discussion and keep my grey matter from withering away into a bleak moonscape of nothingness. And no, I am not interested in searching for people with similar interests through dating sites - because then someone might get the idea that I am simply looking to get laid. I am not. It is my BRAIN that needs stimulation like whoa, and yes, reading/watching good stuff on my own gives me that, but I also need to DISCUSS that stuff with other people, not just monologue endlessly about it. I need someone who actually has an OPINION on that weird indie flick I watched a while ago, and can also perhaps recommend to me another similar one that I might like. I also need that someone (or someones) to update their journal more than once a month. I don't know, maybe LJ isn't the right place for this, but I feel at home here and don't necessarily want to open another journal somewhere else just so I could beg random strangers to TALK to me, dammit. There MUST be people out there who have so much on their minds that they need a regular outlet in the form of a journal which doesn't only talk about highly personal stuff. Not that I mind highly personal stuff about people I already know - far from it - but I am hardly going to approach a stranger who posts exclusively about their sex life, for example.:P Anyway... I feel like an idiot trolling about through my interest list and reading random people's profiles - but I can't resist the compulsion to do it. I have no idea what came over me. I think I need help. Or a life, perhaps. Except THIS is my life. EXCHANGING THOUGHTS with people IS my life, it has always been. I can totally live without seeing another human face for a week or a month, but I need to HEAR from a human brain far more often than that. Or, you know, READ from it. And have some sort of communication, if possible. Otherwise I feel like a wrecked spaceship hurtling towards a black hole. Or something. And I'm not even into sci-fi. Or not much, anyway. But I can talk about the end of the world. Or the Age of Aquarius, you know. Or whatever. Just give me a topic you want to discuss, or tell me where I can find a journal/community that is relatively active and welcomes new friends/members. I need an outlet. Ranting on here just isn't cutting it anymore.

End of transmission. Thanks for putting up with my frustrations once again, and good night.

So we're doing another research project at work. This time, my task consists of checking various radio station websites, in order to determine whether they accept online advertising. Apart from giving me a pretty good idea about what kinds of music Americans listen to (country, mostly, it would appear, followed by hip-hop/R&B and a tiny bit of classic pop/rock here and there - so I'm not missing out on much by not listening to the radio, LOL), this project has also made me aware of a disturbingly large number of cultish-sounding Christian broadcasting entities all over the country. As in, flashing ads telling you how to find Jesus and how to see whether you're going to heaven (I wish I was kidding, but I'm not). One website had the following lovely motto: "Smile - God is watching you". It gave me the creepiest feeling of deja vu - Big Brother flashbacks, as it were. You know, from Orwell's 1984. Except this creepy, stalkish, totalitarian ultra-right-wing version of God totally wins in competition with Big Brother. Wanna know why? See, should you fall from grace, Big Brother can only torture you until you die. Stalker!God, on the other hand, can torture you for all eternity. So, point for God. That's about the only difference, imo.

Now, if you know me well enough, you are probably aware that the vicious!sarcasm mode is a sure sign of freaking out about something. So yeah, I might just as well admit that I am freaking out. I might have mentioned this before, but these past few months (years?...) of living in the US made me realize that A Handmaid's Tale by Margaret Atwood wasn't just some outlandish futuristic fantasy (naive me - that's what I thought when I first read it years ago). It was a warning. Gilead is coming. It is being shamelessly advertised through the use of most advanced modern technology. More and more people in this country are living in a "high-tech stone age" - to quote an article I read online a few days ago. It's not some sick joke. It's real. And maybe, just maybe, like Viggo's character in Good, I am not taking it seriously enough. Because it's easier to snicker dismissively at one ridiculous indoctrinating website (or five, or twenty) than to really consider the meaning of its existence. Any rabid nonsense becomes dangerous if enough people believe in it. And as long as we still in control of our mental capacities keep dismissing it, there might come a time when there is indeed nothing left to do but smile, because someone WILL be watching. Not God, perhaps, but for all intents and purposes, we won't know the difference.

Just saying.